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Metal Detecting At The Beach 5/9/2008

28.9 MB I look for buried
treasure on a beach in Florida only this
beach doesn't allow treasure hunters (no
metal detectors allowed). Find out how I
thwart beach officials by using my custom
built detector toboggan, a blowup doll and a
zippered vinyl lunch bucket. Recorded live
on tape using an Edirol R-09.
Hair Lip 5/2/2008

32.6 MB Clearwater Beach,
the movies, Brickhouse and the heel of her
shoe, my invention and lots more!
The Floating Band-Aid (I almost
swallowed) 4/25/08

33.0 MB They got me on
videotape, the Band-Aid I almost swallowed,
Cosmopolitan magazine, the shopping cart at
Walgreens.
My Wooden Clogs
4/18/2008

32.0 MB Jim Wilson,
the bicycle built for two, her Harley, I
took the bus to pick up my package, the
clogs and lots more!
Roadside Assistance 4/11/2008

30.4 MB Her car broke down and I was
going to assist her and the story
about a rogue wheelchair that slammed into
my vintage Caddy (while I was at the
Wal-Mart).
Sound Waves and Their Megaphones
4/4/08

29.6 MB
Get with lots of chicks using my
revolutionary breast megaphone sound wave
method, the squirrel I helped and how
best to use a hacksaw when cutting through
bicycle frames.
Crybaby
3/28/08 
29.3 MB She phoned from Georgia
to tell me that I'm a crybaby.
The Baker Act
3/22/08

28.6 MB Held against
my will in a behavioral science ward.
Audio Stick Of Amplified Pleasure 3/14/08

28.2 MB One out of four
teenage American girls and my amplified
audio pleasure stick idea with
weatherproof speakers.
My Ten Inch Toilet Seat
3/7/08

29.2 MB Her Dormia Space Age foam
mattress (continued), remove pesky pubic
lice (crabs) from pubic mounds using an
inexpensive lint roller, make paper mache
toilet seats that collapse when someone sits
on them, my lemon cake comment and the mall
security guard, I fell off an exterior
Wal-Mart wall ladder while carrying a
pillowcase chocked full of custom made
dildos and lots more!
She Says I'm Vulgar and The 50
Gallon Drum 2/29

28.7 MB
I hurt myself by falling into a deep
hole, a woman phones me and says I'm
Vulgar and I get a free 50 gallon drum
of Pliatex casting rubber.
Her Bed Is Broken
2/22/08

34.2 MB The defective bed, the buy, my
shoes, tooth fillings.
Fisticuffs With An Angry Hag
2/15/08

30.9 MB
My parking lot ordeal with the
angry middle-aged bag.
The 7-Eleven Slurpee Incident
2/8/08

29 MB More trouble from the ice
fishing rental guy, her wine store (and my
dildo idea), Gloria and the 7-Eleven
Incident and lots more!
Push Button For Manual Flush
2/1/08

30.4 MB She said I needed ten
friends, the toilet flush button,
always use a lint roller before handling the
genitals of your lover, masking tape,
doorbell buttons, at the movies and lots
more!
The Houghton Lake Ice Fishing Shanty
1/25/08

28.2 MB I rent an ice fishing shanty
on Houghton Lake in Michigan and it eerily
resembles a Vietnam hot box.
Help! (Live in field recording using
an Edirol R-09).
Her Walk-In Bathtub
1/18/2008

33.9 MB The phone call from
the woman in Seattle, my long lost nudie
Polaroid pictures, my new menopause pad
invention, I hit myself in the jaw with a
jar of spaghetti sauce and I get flushed out
a walk-in bathtub and end up in a Tampa
hospital.
He Had A Club Foot 1/11/2008

29.0 MB
I drove them to the airport and something
bad happened, the attorney and her rewrite
demands (regarding my essay), my date stood
up at the restaurant and informed me that I
wasn't, "Normal," my $250 dumping fine
and lots more!
Her Punk Lit My Caddy On Fire
1/4/2008

29.8 MB Her kid lit
my car on fire, the Christmas beating, dad
and the boat and lots more!
Megan Was A Double-D 12/28/2007

30.1 MB The airplane in the crotch
incident, my mood ring observation, my sleep dicking incident, my hand job from the woman
living behind Kmart and I played Twister
with her kids and her daughter was a
Double-D.
Hunting In Hamilton At Christmastime
12/21/07

28.9 MB I'm
invited to go on a hunting outing on a rural
500 acre piece of land in upstate New York
(near Blue Mountain Lake). I bring
along my .357 handgun and my 12 gauge
shotgun. Be my guest on my special
holiday hunt.
Keep It Green
(Your Christmas Tree)
12/14/07
32.2 MB Free Nordstrom
gift via helium balloon, paper-mache
Christmas tree toppers, Smitten For Clinton,
the methane explosion, let's make a snowman,
my Christmas lovemaking story.
Winter Wonderland
12/07/07

30.2 MB
The Omaha shooting, create fake (sand
filled) paper-mache Christmas gifts (and
throw them at people in Wal-Mart parking
lots), vacant or occupied, Hanukkah gifts,
my doorbell torch gig and much more!
In The Cuff Of Her Pants
11/30/07

32.3 MB I talk about my four days
working at a Christmas tree lot in Buffalo,
New York.
Bonus Poem - Lake Toho 11/23/07

1.11 MB I asked her to go
on an airboat ride and she brought her kid
with her.
A Paper-Mache
Turkey For You
11/16/07 
30 MB Learn how to make rock hard,
miniature, paper-mache holiday turkeys that
you can throw at people and hopefully knock
them unconscious.
Red is Dead
11/09/2007

27.6 MB I've got my rifle and I'm
in a swamp in Florida and I'm gonna take out
a woodpecker but the whole thing winds up a
grizzly, horrific, unbelievable, bloody
mess. Remote field recording using an
Edirol.
Black Power
11/02/07

29.3 Chanukah, the death of
my dad, attire for pregnant women, their
toy, the clogged chicken artery, her acrylic
nail.
Girls Wrap Your Legs In Aluminum Foil
10/26

32.3 MB
Helpful hints, artificial hips and
knees, a sandwich made with heels, walking
on sharp tissue and nearly dying, Halloween
invention for chicks.
My Halloween Blow Job Contraption
10/19/07 
32.2 MB This Halloween get lots of
action with my invention, baby poop sifting
update, Mathew 18:20, another complaint,
masking tape on hotel carpets (what I
recently found), and the one place you
should be using lint rollers.
Bob For My Apples
10/12/2007 
29.3 MB A game I
invented that you and your old lady can
participate in together during Halloween and
it's like the log roll that lumberjacks
compete in but it's for women only and it's
a lot more difficult.
Never Use Your Thumbs and The Art Of Shit
Shaping
10/5/07

I destroy a wheelchair strapped to the
back of a 1976 Chrysler Cordoba, breasts,
germs, pink Energizer batteries and a whole
lot more!
White Widow
9/28/07

33.1 MB
I try to purchase a couple of White
Widow marijuana seeds and the buy goes bad.
Real Bad.
Welcome To Maceland
9/21/07

29.5 MB The unexpected phone call,
my dream about Maceland, sleepdicking,
breast-feeding and lots more!
My Roman Coin Was A Ku Klux Klan Token
9/14 
28.7 MB She asked me to
come over to re-caulk her bathtub, my
diaphragm flower pot and while sifting
through baby shit in the mall
(using my latest money making scheme) I
found a coin and lots more!
Baby Poop Prospecting
9/7/2007

27.8 MB
When you're walking down the halls and
your balls hit the walls and how you can
make big money by sifting through baby poop
in public restrooms.
Jeffrey Dahmer Ate My Daddy
August 31, 2007
31.4 MB How to brick your
neighbors router, I caved-in the Toyota
Yaris, the best way to return your inkjet
cartridges, my (at birth) age advancement
idea, facial detection specialists at
airports, the big baby bird landed on my
hood and the story about the girl that told
me her father was eaten by serial killer
Jeffrey Dahmer.
Ginger Heights
August 24, 2007 
29.7 MB You aren't ever getting a
call on your iPhone, the guy from Vietnam,
she asked me to videotape the birth of her
child, 18 Wheeler, dead chicks with
unfinished business, Ginger Heights and much
more!
I Drilled Her Dress Off
August 17, 2007 
35.9 MB Use masking tape in your
hotel room to detect pubic hairs, me naked
and standing on a Sit 'n Spin at your bridal shower, if
you're pregnant please stop trying to be
sexy, get action by putting on a fake garage
sale (I'll tell you how), I get an
unexpected call from a police detective who
suspects that I'm drilling holes into car
doors and much more!
Some Cement For You
August 10, 2007

29.6 MB Rare in the field
recording offers step by step instructions
on how you too can fill car doors of people
you've never met (with cement) and the story
about the cat that beheaded my bird friend.
18 Wheeler
August 3, 2007 
30 MB
Cloning puppies from the DNA of Doo
Drop, my rubber band vibrator idea, the
contraceptive sponge, 18 Wheeler, filling
car doors with concrete and lots more!
Doo Drops Coffin
July 27, 2007
(CLICK
TO SEE PHOTOGRAPH OF DOO DROPS COFFIN)
30.1 MB
I accidentally pushed my foot through
the lid of Doo Drops homemade coffin, I was
nearly arrested by a Florida game warden,
chicks with broken bones, I found panties in
a supermarket, the famous woman that Fed-Exed
me the GPS unit and lots more!
Our Vaginal Contraceptive Film (VCF) Doobies

26.6 MB In my dream I'm making
love in a dumpster, her VCF saved the day, my new living art
invention, hymens in amber (fossilized tree
resin), scary cracking noises in my private
area and lots more!
The Volkswagen Incident July 13,
2007

27.9 MB
The unexpected phone call, the
Volkswagen, the Ivory Billed Woodpecker and
lots more!
Jean Brown July 6, 2007 
28 MB
Pregnant women, Jean Brown, Mister
Roboto, my underwear cannon update, the Jet
Ski incident and lots more!
Bagpiper Boy June 29, 2007

30.7 MB The Black Widow
spider and the Diamondback rattlesnake den,
the Canon camera TV commercial, ghosts, my
dream with the girl using the walker, my
July 4th underwear cannon, my new United
States postage stamp invention, the kid
bagpiper and lots more!
More Pancakes June 22, 2007

28.3 MB I hate your
family and especially your friends, older
women looking for younger men (Cougars),
Dolphins looking like vibrators, Crest
Pro-Health toothpaste and your sexual needs,
my Virginia Tech inspired invention and lots
more!
She Wore Her Bikini June 15, 2007 
29.2 MB My coming of age
speech, the bait box lid knocked her
unconscious, the seahorse I killed with my
own urine, my empty rubber love pods I left
at the motel, my new invention, chicks with
broken legs and lots more.
KFC Big Bowl or Big Hole? June 8,
2007

29.1 MB My friend the
physical therapist, the KFC Big Bowl verses
the Big Hole, the comedian Margaret Cho with
a brush cut and no lipstick looks just like
the Virginia Tech gunman (Cho), Yahoo
Answers, the kid that nearly killed me and
lots more.
Women Only June 1, 2007

28.7 MB Magazine covers,
100 million people are doing it, Panera Bread,
the fish filet incident, at the beach,
Wal-Mart, Neosporin, Silverjet, Eclipse
Fusion gum, the women only floor at the
Marriott.
Forever 21 May 25, 2007

31.0 MB She sweeps up hair
at Forever 21, Betty Crocker carrot cake
mix, my dream, her dog food, Kmart Wall of
Honor, the oak hash pipe incident.
Universal Studios, Florida
May 18, 2007
32.9 MB
I spend the day at Universal Studios,
Florida.
Mothers Day and The Rabbit Foot

27.3 MB
The rabbit foot for my mom, my
Steak n' Shake dream, the Easy Button, the
hearing aid, mood panties, my litmus paper
Hallmark card idea and lots more!
Case Dismissed May 4, 2007

27.3 MB The judge dismisses her
case, a hovercraft for her, my constipation
invention, the Apple window display, the
package I received and lots more!
The Injured 29 April 27, 2007

28.3 MB The 29 injured Virginia
Tech survivors, chicks with broken bones, I
don't care if it's your birthday, honeybees,
my handicapped guy in the wheelchair scary movie idea and more!
Virginia Tech April 20, 2007

27.7 MB Virginia Tech, my
underwear in the hotel safe, Rolo candy, her
missing fingernail polish.
Podcamp NYC April 13, 2007 
27.6 The restraining
order, my airport search, the big woman on
the plane, Miriam, Podcamp NYC.
Her Beaver Pelt April 5,
2007

27.5 MB My new FAA invention, her
face peel, more Honda 70 troubles and lots
more.
Penny Loafers March 30, 2007

28.2 MB California Red Bud
and someone ratted me out.
Honda 70 March 24, 2007

29 MB I bought the
Honda 70 at a flea market and I was going to
impress her with my skills.
People
Helping Birds March 16, 2007 
26.9 MB The electrocution
in the Caddy, the self igniting fragrance
releasing semen sock, the dog park,
supermarket skin, hot wax, a new national
registry, the bowling alley and more.
The Fair March 9, 2007

25.8 The supermarket, the
pelican, the fair, world anthem, my corn cob
invention, new semen sock model, chicks with
broken legs and lots more!
This is Bluegill
March 2, 2007

27.5 MB
Sometimes I hear my stepfather, toilet
bowls, the coffin/casket idea, Quiznos, my
sock invention, Wal-Mart Easter baskets, the
fat pelican and more!
Tommy You're Scaring Lindsay
February 23, 2007

26.8 MB White teeth, the
shopping cart incident, the atomic clock
vibrator idea, the syringe I stepped on, her
worn toilet plunger handle and lots more!
The Parking Spot February 16, 2007 
29.1 MB The
parking lot fight (with a woman), good schools, ice-skating,
girls with broken legs, aspirins, my fake
box of chocolate invention, bowling, his
answering machine and more!
Dog Watson
February 9, 2007 
28.1 MB
Vending machines for transients, combination
book light/vaginal cameras, your cell phone
ain't never gonna ring, gumball machines
with my prize inside and poor Watson
didn't have a chance.
One Dollar & Seventy Five Cents
February 2, 2007

26.5 MB She needed the air raid
siren, she used her Roomba robotic floor
vacuum to suck up condoms, free cocaine at
the bank, educational vibrators, blue ice,
my dinky, how you too can perform delicate
sexual moves like a seasoned safecracker, she was
violated by someone she trusted and lots
more.
Morse Code Lovin' January 26, 2007

27.3 MB Grandma, Sleep
Number 69, Morse Code, red pubes, the locked
toilet tank at McDonald's and lots more.
Her Bubble Machine January 19,
2007

25.9 MB Toilet
training, India, the splits, Sadie's
Portraits, the sign at the playground, the
kite at Clearwater Beach, her bubble machine
and lots more!
He's in The Drawer January 12,
2007

26.9 MB Airport toilets, the arts
and crafts store and the squirrel buried in
the drawer (He had to go).
She Wears Insolence January
5, 2007

28 MB Stanley Steemer,
my door-to-door sales job, programmable
panties and lots more!
My Polaroid Pictures Dec. 29, 2006

28.5 MB A girl I
dated while attending college is dead,
at the mall and her pants disintegrated,
my photographs in the water pipes, vibrating
chairs at the mall and lots more!
Her Odd Christmas Tree December
22, 2006

32 MB Fossils, American
Express, iPod Mattress Kit, Heelys, condoms
in bookstores, her unusual Xmas tree and
more!
Cottonelle December 15, 2006

30.7 MB Christmastime,
Shim-Shin-Do, The Starbucks orgy, the heat
lamp, the metric system and lots more!
Wrap My Meat (For the holidays)
December 8, 2006

28.2 MB The parabolic dish,
she was wrapping gifts at the shopping mall,
her cat doesn't like me, dust and lots more!
It Burns December 1, 2006

28.9 MB I've planted
hypnotic suggestions into your sleeping kids
ear, I don't like your friends or family
(especially your sister) they questioned us
about our trunk action and lots more!
Trunk Lovin' November 24, 2006

31.2 MB My new invention, love in
my Cadillac trunk and lots more.
Bank Love November 17, 2006
30.6 MB My custom made just for you
shoe store idea, Yankee Candle, Feliz
Navidad, love at a bank and lots more.
Help Me November 10, 2006

33.2 MB A psychiatrist calls me, shoes
at Nordstrom, miniature golf and the bird
lady, the septic tank crying out for help
and lots more.
My Jell-O Jack O' Lantern & Electro Boy
Nov. 03, 2006

29 MB Tide-To-Go, the
cassette recordings I made as a kid, my
Jell-O Jack O' Lantern and Electro Boy.
The Singles Halloween Hayride
October 27, 2006

28.40 MB The Halloween hayride (for singles) and
the pumpkin you can carve that'll get you
chicks (guaranteed).
Halloween Stains October 20,
2006

28.2 MB The basement I
lived in, gifts for me, the stains I saw on
Halloween night (that make sense to me now),
my Halloween party and lots more!
Into the Furnace on Halloween Night
October 13

It was the last thing I saw before I
fell into the furnace and it haunts me.
Corn Dodger
October 06, 2006

29 MB Corn dodgers and cans
of beans and the squirrel I screwed up.
My Video iPod Eulogy Idea
September 29

31 MB Using my
revolutionary system/method you'll know more
about that dead person than you ever
did when they were alive.
Her Find
September 22, 2006
26 MB
She found a diamond ring.
McDonald's
September 16, 2006

29 MB
My latest invention.
Down There
September 8, 2006

26.2 MB
Everyone in America is actually humping
one another in a small wooded area.
Skull Creek
September 1, 2006

25.8 MB Sarasota, termites,
my transparent plaster mousetrap and lots
more!
Gifts For Me
August 27, 2006

30.8 MB Gifts for me, my
invention, the movies and more!
The Pancake Dinner
August 18, 2006 
30.0 MB I worked at a pancake benefit
and a retard there nearly got me killed.
Die Mower Die!
August 11, 2006
30.5 MB My lawnmower had to
go and the supermarket incident.
The Park
August 4, 2006

28.3 MB Metal detecting at the
historic park, the bowling alley and lots
more!
Her Rock Tumbler
July 28, 2006

29.9 MB Park Rangers,
good neighborhoods, chain-of-humping,
depression, her rock tumblers and lots more!
His Scab Smoked Up My Car
July 21, 2006 
28.6 MB
My diary, the plastic Easter eggs and
the Mexican jumping beans (and the bird
nest), the scab from her kid stunk and
smoked up my car, I played five hundred with
my neighbor, his mom, the whistle and lot's more!
My Arrest
July 15, 2006

28.6
MB
At the movies, my arrest, fiber optic
fishing, the propane mousetrap and lots
more!
Pink Detonator
July 7, 2006

26.8 MB I went camping with the
daughter of a dead trucker, the portable
solar shower, Mac the poodle and lots more!
The 4th of July with Grandmother in Miami
June 30, 2006

27.2 MB
The roller skating rink, salt crystal
lamps, the 4th of July with grandmother and
lots more!
The Beekeeper Girl
June 23, 2006

27.4 MB Your zipper, in the
department store restroom, the bird nest
invention, the beekeeper and lots more!
The Motorized Bed
June 16, 2006

26.6 MB
The wind-up flashlight, the stench of her
stitches, the toboggan, the motorized bed
and lots more!
Ride The Movies
June 9, 2006

25.8 MB The wine drinking lovers at
the movies, her dentures, Universal Studios
and lots more!
The Kentucky Fried Chicken Big Bowl $4.99
June 2, 2006

28 MB Pubic pillows, on the pew with
the red head, the laundry basket alongside
the highway, KFC, her daughters name is
Reese, the restroom inspection form,
hurricane preparation and lots more!
Her Relaxation Sound Machine
May 26, 2006

27.2 MB
Models and the subtext of their pose, the
sound machine near her bed, sex in a gopher
turtle den, the kids toilet in the family
restroom (lined with squares of toilet
paper) and lots more.
Jelly Jars
May 19, 2006 
28.2 MB
The young pinko, the bowling prize, get
chicks using the hamster on the exercise wheel scam,
metal detecting and the sexual story behind
the book I donated to the Jerome K. Jerome
museum.
The Cheeseburger
May 12, 2006

27 MB Mothers day, the
cheeseburger fell through the rusted out
hole in her floorboards, the maple syrup
that wasn't and lots more.
The Blair Witch Bitch
May 5, 2006 
27.7 MB The Blair Witch chick,
the party bus, a leather mallet between her
f-ckin' eyes and lots more.
Carol's House
April 28, 2006

27.9 MB
If Ross hadn't come in I might be retarded
right now or dead even.
I Killed a Family With A High-Powered
Snowmobile

April 21, 2006
42.6 MB
She called to say I spelled 'thong' wrong,
the after-hours Easter party and how the
guests (at the party) told stories and
laughed and drank 'til it was my turn to
tell my story, the walnut engraved
box filled with her dead moms hair and lots
more.
A Day At The Beach
April 14

40.3 MB
I was gonna find coins from long lost
Spanish Galleons (and jewelry) or maybe just
a shark tooth but instead I found some
other things, Easter at my grandmothers
and the never before told story of my sister
Sandy who just can't get enough.
Her Acrylic Nails and the Pubic Hairs April 7

44.4 MB
There were pubic hairs stuck in the clear
coat atop her acrylic nails, Benny the
parakeet was killed when the old man shit
his pants (again), my metal-detecting
anti-rape motion sensor and lots more.
Motorhips
March 31 
44.4 MB
Her punky kid ripped my car apart,
juggernaut hips, Nora and I ball on the
handicap ramp and lots more.
Vivian
March 24

44.2 MB Jerry gets
certified, chicks with broken bones, Vivian,
Benny the parakeet, her father crapped his
pants and more.
The Rat March 17
43.6 MB I trapped a raccoon and
he was gonna love me and we were gonna be
friends and I was gonna teach him tricks and
I was gonna awe and amaze my friends and
then the raccoon that was really a rat bit
the end of my finger off so he had to f-ckin'
die.
I illegally Dumped a Dishwasher One Piece At
A Time
March 10
49.4 MB
I was gonna score big so long as I
transported her new dishwasher to her house
and then removed the old one and then
installed the new one and then took the old
one the f-ck away.

Love Dice
March 3

42.8 MB Mister Clean, hymenoplasty,
the foam bed, found panties and the slip and
fall.
Flashlights
One Dollar February 23

44.2 MB Hope plus doubt
equals desire, the pitching machine, the
coffee girl.
The Twilight
Years Trailer Park February
15, 2006

40.4 MB His
China lady, inside the trailer, trouble at
the theater and lots more.
Key Lime Pie
Factory and Restaurant February 8,
2006

39.5 MB She worked at the pie
factory and she told me to call her Pie
Bitch, Valentine's Day, the lady with
the space-age foam mattress, great men like
Gandhi or Abraham Lincoln didn't swear
and lots more.
Plaster of
Paris and I Found IUD's February
3, 2006

41.4 MB She's not gonna sue me now
thanks to plaster of paris, I found copper
coins that were really IUD's, the slot car
track, the Morning-after pill, your orgasm
face frozen forever for future generations
and the bird that probably committed
suicide.
Elexa
Freshening Wipes by Trojan January
26, 2006

45.9 MB Elexa Freshening Wipes by
Trojan, 100 million people doing it in
America every day, the dangling modifier and
personal pronoun, swearing, the chick that
left a permanent impression of her body onto
her Dormia foam mattress is suing me,
vibrating rings, citizen band radios and
lots more.
Miss America January 18, 2006

45.8 MB The Miss America
Pageant, the memory foam bed, the panties I
found at the mall, the programmable
light-emitting diode (LED) belt buckle and
lots more.
The Diaper Left Behind January 11,
2006

46 MB I'm in the family restroom
at the department store and waiting just for
me is an abandoned diaper filled with fresh
shit. He died and she says he lit
up the room when he'd enter it, Little
Boy, Cosmo Magazine, cell phones the post
office and lots more.
I Wasn't Right For Her January 5,
2006

27.3 MB I'm at the restaurant and she
says she doesn't like what she sees after
she's cracked me open. My
portable toothbrush fiasco, she's in the
hospital again (after another suicide
attempt), the mouse that had to die, my
pigeon, porn and lots more.
Sitting
Between Them December 29, 2005

25.2 MB At the movies and I'm
sitting between two people kissing and
petting and on my right the guy looks like
the Unabomber and I'm pretty sure he's
playing with himself, a trip to the Super
Target store, grenades, 50 bullets to my
forehead, over confident women and lots
more.
Christmas Story December 21, 2005

18.6 MB My mother phones me
and complains about the piece I sent to Madge
Weinstein of Yeast Radio and I
was invited to a Christmas party and they were
telling Christmas stories and they were good
touching stories and all American and
then they asked me to tell one.
Kneading Her December 14, 2005

28 MB I met her at the Apple Genius
Bar and we drank and then we went to her house
in Tampa and she popped the lid on a can filled
with sex stuff (Can of Sutra) at which
point she proceeded to throw handfuls of
body dust at me. Years ago my woman
and I would go metal detecting together and
while we were detecting we'd make love
in and around all the abandoned buildings we'd
explore; plus rubber band gun fights
and more.
Tonight You Die December 7, 2005

16.3 MB Two-thirty in the morning
and I'm standing inside a Wal-Mart writing
Tonight You Die on Etch-A-Sketches and
I drop a pair of my underwear inside a Toys
For Tots donation box.
Fatty Patty December 1, 2005
20 MB I put a sex doll that had three
love holes inside an inflatable yard decoration
and because of that the cops came into my house
and found my XLR microphone cable hanging from
the closet shelf ( I do the Podcast in the closet)
and thought that maybe I was into autoerotic
asphyxiation. My mountain of pus grandmother
says I'm a bad seed and she only allows me to
use one sheet of toilet paper when visiting.
Shopping for Christmas trees inside Christmas
tree tents in Florida must be similar to being
inside the Hanoi Hilton, my mom walks like a
Nazi and lots more.
Nancy Saved My Life at Thanksgiving
November 21, 2005

20.6 MB My California friend
Wesley married a woman who once knocked him
unconscious with a Coke bottle (while he was
sleeping). Did my dad expire 'cause of
a malfunctioning electric blanket? My
flickering electric candle, Baldy my hairless
cat, the skeleton costume and how I once fell
asleep in a running car (in a closed garage)
and was saved from certain death by a pretty
red-haired girl named Nancy (but I still ended
up in a mental institution).
Moth Balls & Her Baby Genius November
11, 2005

19.5 MB I went to the movies and settled
into my seat with my Nestle Sno-Caps and my
iced Coca-Cola and real quick I was overcome
by the strong stench of moth balls and
I date a chick with a kid and she's buying him
a DVD called Baby Genius. How come
all Americans think their kid is above average
and brilliant and destined for greatness?
Surely some American kids are just fat, carb
consuming idiots who'll never amount to anything.
Probably your kid, even.
My Song & Doomsday October 26, 2005
18.9 MB A woman living in the United
Kingdom phoned me and said that I've been using
the word DONG incorrectly. She informed
me that the word DONG when handled properly
can be delivered in a sensual, gentle, pleasant
manner, unlike the way (according to her) that
I've been using it. I write a song and
sing it a-cappella, I also talk about the end
of the world, dead cats and a bunch of other
stuff. Dong Song lyrics,
HERE. Dong Song,
HERE.
Cheryl October 14, 2005

23.5 MB I met her late at night inside
a Subway sandwich shop inside a Wal-Mart Superstore
and we ended up donging one another on the hot
soft asphalt between two parked 50 foot trailers
left behind by a couple of big-rigs. She's
gone now and I'm thinking that she might have
been the ONE for me.
The Toilet October 5, 2005 
22.9 MB I used the restroom at the
movie theater and thought there might be a camera
hidden in the air vent above the toilet (aimed
at my dong) and somebody left a used diaper
(balled up and filled with shit) lying on the
wall mounted fold down baby changing table.
My Halloween (The Costume) September
21, 2005

16.3 MB I wore the same stinkin' skeleton
costume every Halloween for seven years in a
row and I think my mom once tried to kill me
(On Halloween night).
Ann Todd and The Tree House September
13, 2005

14.8 MB Ann Todd was mine 'til she turned
her head and spoke to me and I cut down George's
tree house.
The Woodpecker August 15, 2005

12.2 MB I stumble across a rare (if not
extinct) Ivory-billed Woodpecker while walking
through a swamp near my home.
Dug Up August 6, 2005

13.5 MB They had to dig up her great grandmother
and (rebury her) and they're not going to rip
me off when I'm dead and lying in the funeral
parlor.
The Incubator July 28, 2005

14.3 MB I sent away for a egg incubator
from a comic book and the woman living next
door to me tells me how hard they're trying
to have a baby.
The Dolphins July 19, 2005

10.9 MB A 400 pound dolphin charged
me while standing in the Gulf of Mexico and
nearly took off my testicles.
The Squirrel July 11, 2005 
12.7 MB Donna Lindsey, the fair outhouse,
the squirrel I took out and my dad the drinker.
Independence Day July 1, 2005

11 MB On the 4th of July my family and
I would hide and when I was a little kid my
mom referred to my penis as, "Your dinky".
Mrs. Howell June 23, 2005

10.9 MB I
had five years of piano lessons and can't remember
even one note and I used to remove the dead
cats from under our rented house in Detroit.
Duke is Dead
June 15, 2005

14.8 MB My mom threw Duke's frozen body
over the fence, the church bake sale, I helped
a chick change her tire and my unique invention
that will prevent me from getting raped when
I'm dead and lying on the slab at the funeral
parlor.
The Date
June 7, 2005

13.6 MB I date this girl in Tampa, my
favorite Taco Bell is now a porn place and Wes,
my friend from California, would like me to
mail him a few plates of stuffed Grape Leaves.
Baby's
Got The Blues Written By
Desiree Million, Copyright 2000 Rena Records-Huntsville,
AL
The Visit 2
June 03, 2005

11.4 MB My friend from California goes
home, thoughts of Yasmin my beautiful English
ex-girlfriend and the guy with the paper shredder.
The Visit
May 29, 2005

9.79 MB He's visiting from California
during Memorial Day weekend.
101 Positions
May 26, 2005

11.6 MB Mating positions, Marbles, 7-Eleven
Slurpees, my mom and Memorial Day.
Aunt Doris
May 21, 2005

12.3 MB My
Aunt Doris, hamburgers and do-yourself-pregnancy
testers.
My Hamster Died
May 19, 2005

2.41 MB My hamster died and I'm gonna
give it a burial-at-sea. Podcast from
Clearwater Beach, Florida.
Turtles and Dog
Parks May 16, 2005

8.32 MB
Turtles for sale and maybe you'll find romance
in a dog park.
Boots
May 14, 2005

9.1 MB Cassette recordings, moms and fancy
boots.
Mother's Day May 08, 2005

11.9 MB Mother's Day and the
birdhouse, my cat, getting porked when
I'm dead, the frozen drink machine and skeletons.

The Ceramic Shop
May, 06, 2005

8.33 MB
They were bonding at the ceramic shop and I
found some weed in a salt shaker at the Salvation
Army Store.
The Bowling Prize
May 03, 2005

8.9 MB
I won a prize
and put it in my ass.
Skype Me
April 28, 2005

5.9 MB I was gonna Skype people.
My Cat and The
Vampire April 26, 2005

8.28 MB I met a scary old woman
at a bar and she needed a ride home.
Gas Pumps April 22, 2005

5.7 MB Sexuality and gas pumps.
Treasure
Hunting April 17, 2005

9.3 MB I was gonna dig up all kinds
of things.
Click for 2004 Podcast Archive
How can I listen?
1) Click
here to download the free cross-platform
podcast receiver, Juice. Click here to install
iTunes.
2) Install on your system.
3) Add Norm's Podcast feed: http://www.normaugustinus.com/podfeed.xml
4)
Your Podcast aggregator will automatically
download Norm's feed!
Norm
Augustinus
was born in Detroit, Michigan (USA), where he
later attended Ferris State University earning
a degree in Journalism and a Bachelor of Science
degree in Television/Theater. Because
of his growing following publications have referred
to him as a "underground cult icon". He has
appeared in dozens of television commercials
and stage plays and has written for numerous
publications. Write to:
normaugustinus@gmail.com
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