6 June 2010
	Her air conditioner.
	It's two thirty in the morning and I am in my garage on the island and I am working on my latest invention when suddenly there is a tapping sound coming from one of the garage windows. Says the woman: "I know you're in there, Norman." Ordinarily I would have heard the slam of a car door in my driveway and the clunk of platform heels hitting the cement but it's too late, she knows I'm in here. Says the woman: "Open the door, Norman." While I'm opening the garage door I'm thinking about how I might have avoided seeing her had she not snuck up on me.  With regards to visitors I almost always pretend not to be home.  Instinctually, automatically and with great purpose I lock doors, dim all interior lights and run to the nearest corner and ball myself up 'til the visitor has abandoned the notion of visiting. She knows I'm in here. When the door opens she says: "The air conditioner in my window has got a wasp nest in it and I can't sleep because of all their nighttime buzzing could you swing by and be a pet and clean it out for me?" My unexpected early morning visitor is thin, has brown shoulder length hair and sports full lips.  Behind her full red lips are overtly white teeth that cost $7000.  Her smoky eye effect looks especially good because she dusts her face with some sort of white flour like powder. While she's looking at the screen of her phone she says: "Daddy told me to tell you hello."          The thought of cleaning out her air conditioner repulses me. I say: "Hello to your dad." While she's dropping the phone into her Prada Burgundy Saffiano & Tessuto Tote she pushes her head into the garage. "Whatcha working on?" she says. I'm thinking that in reality she most likely wants to pork me.  The window mounted air conditioner is only a couple of feet from her canopy bed.  In my mind it makes perfect sense that inevitably she would wind up massaging my shoulders while I'm removing the mud dauber nest from her air conditioner and most likely we'd end up fucking one another atop her expensive Stearns and Foster mattress.   I say: "Do wasps have a stinger?" I've masturbated three times today and because I've masturbated three times today I'm not even sure I like girls anymore.   I say: "Next week." I figure I'll give my bag an ample amount of time to fill itself with a respectable amount of fresh semen. She says: "What time tomorrow?" I say: "Around noon?" NOTE: I can't be sure but I think she pushed her canopy bed two or three feet closer to the window mounted air conditioner.  EXTRA:  Three scented candles were burning at different locations when I entered her bedroom. BONUS: Sitting atop the windowsill a foot from the control panel of the window mounted air conditioner was a 13 ounce jar of Vaseline petroleum jelly.      EXTRA BONUS: We had to move the canopy bed so that I could remove the air conditioner from the window. When we slid the bed six feet in the other direction thong panties were lying atop her Berber carpet originally hidden from view by the canopy bed.  When I pointed them out to her she said, "They must have fallen out of my laundry basket." SPECIAL NOTE: I used a big handled screwdriver to scrape out the mud dauber nest with the air conditioner between my legs.  If you had just come into the room and you were looking at my backside you might have thought I was whacking off (as I moved the screwdriver up and down).  Interestingly enough, while I was moving the screwdriver up and down the smoky eyed girl started massaging my shoulders. PRIVATE MESSAGE: I didn't get any cum inside your air conditioner.  I don't know why you smell semen every time you switch on the unit.  Stop phoning me you fuckin' hag.  PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays