26 April 2010
	The Door With The Window.
	It's a little past midnight and I'm sitting in the back seat of a Suzuki Kizashi.  There are four other people in the car and we're about to cross over the Boca Grande causeway and the female driver is paying the toll when the woman I'm with (sitting in the front seat) says: "Tell everyone about your new contraption, Norman." Ordinarily someone saying something like ("Tell everyone about your new contraption, Norman.") would be considered a harmless conversation starter.  But I know better. The woman I'm with wants more from me.  She, "Knows what I'm capable of." Of course she's already seen the contraption and she disapproves of it wholeheartedly and now she's gonna use my captive audience against me. Says the woman I'm with:  "Tell 'em about your door, Norm." If it were just me and my old lady in the car I'd slam the fuckin' brake pedal down and tell her to get out but she knows what she's doing.  She's trapped me and I'm really pissed but I can't show it and while I'm smiling another woman sitting alongside me in the back seat says: "Tell us about your door, Norm." I'm not gonna get much of a reception (with regards to my contraption) from these people.  They ain't gonna like my idea and there's probably gonna be a lot of non talking when I'm done doing my explaining.             Says the man sitting in the back seat of the Suzuki Kiszashi:     "I wanna hear about the door, Norm." Says the female driver: "C'mon Norm." While looking into the eyes of my old lady I inhale and then exhale and while I'm exhaling I say: "I've constructed a lightweight exterior door that resembles an exterior emergency door you'd see at a Walmart." Says the woman sitting next to me: "Were you hired to do that?" The woman sitting next to me is scared already but she'll be less scared if I tell everyone sitting in the car that I was hired by Walmart to construct some kind of unique prototype emergency door. I say: "There's a small window in the door." My woman is no longer looking at me instead she has turned around and she is now looking out the passenger side window of the Suzuki Kizashi. Says the man sitting in the back seat: "A door with a window.  Got it." I'm in this now and there's no turning back.  I didn't want this but I won't be bullied. I say: "Behind the window in the door is an Apple iPad.  There's a continuous loop of video that plays on the screen of the iPad.  Sometime during the night I place my fake door with the window (that looks almost identical to Walmart's other emergency doors) against an exterior Walmart wall." Says the female driver: "Door, window, iPad, Walmart, video." My old lady has turned around and looks like she wants to say something but before she has a chance the woman sitting next to me says: "What's playing on the iPad screen?" Says the driver: "It's a video of people buying things.  It's art imitating people!" Says the man: "What's on the screen, man?" I finish off my Mountain Dew and when I lower the bottle I say: "It's video of me beating my meat.  I'm going to videotape and log how many Walmart shoppers look through the fake window of my fake door to see a man beating his meat.  I could use some help mounting the door onto their wall.  Does anyone have a pickup truck?  There's a cheeseburger in it for anybody willing to help out." Says my woman: "The craftsmanship of the door is truly remarkable." NOTE:  Not one person in the car was willing to help me out with regards to my fake Walmart door experiment. EXTRA:  For the remainder of the car ride not a word was spoken by anyone. BONUS:  The woman sitting alongside me was flirtatious and thought mostly everything I said was funny.  When I described my fake door she slowly moved away from me.  I was amazed at how she was able to move a distance of twelve inches and not once did I actually see her move.   EXTRA BONUS:  The female driver of the car kept looking at my woman sitting in the front passenger seat of the Suzuki Kizashi and my woman kept looking at the driver of the Suzuki Kizashi.  SPECIAL NOTE:  The man sitting in the back seat leaned forward and stared me down for the remainder of the trip not even once breaking eye contact with me.  The woman sitting next to me was clutching his thigh with her left hand and while she clutched his thigh she made clicking sounds with her mouth. PRIVATE MESSAGE:  If you're reading this honey please know that when I'm done tinkering with my Walmart fake door video experiment I'm going to throw the fake door w/fake window through the big glass picture window of your parents house.  PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays