Wednesday 10 March 2010
	The Toilet.
	On a daily basis I engage in long nighttime walks and while I'm walking I often stop and stare at other walking people and when I'm done staring (at other walking people) I'll walk some more and I'll stop walking and look into a store window or I'll walk a bit more and read a notice stapled to a telephone pole or I'll pick up an interesting item lying alongside a road and occasionally (when I'm doing all this walking and exploring) I spit for no reason, too. While I'm walking on this particular occasion I encounter a toilet that has been uprooted from its home and abandoned onto the side of a single lane road.  While cars speed past me I stand wide-eyed and transfixed, my gaze unwavering.  The folks that previously owned this model affixed a padded seat onto the bowl using oversized bolts and large nuts and the oversized bolts and nuts weren't made of stainless steel and they weren't galvanized either.  Years of slow growing multicolored clusters of common rust growing atop the added steel parts in combination with urine and other miscellaneous liquids has leached off the nuts and bolts forever leaving their mark on the worn surface of the kiln fired contraption. Additionally the padded seat is riddled with large (and small) cracks and where there are cracks there are large hunks of yellowed and (disintegrating) foam padding coming out from said crack.  The lid is missing from the toilet tank, too and when I bend over to look inside it is apparent to me that the now absent (and probably laughing) owner was very wise with regards to the mechanisms hidden inside the tank.  The parts are missing. The fucker behind this heinous act has removed the float, the flapper and even the flush handle and when I walk around for another view of the toilet I'm appalled to see that yes, even the wax ring is missing!  What kind of a cheapskate cocksucker reuses a wax ring let alone the handle, flapper and float? You motherfucker!   BELOW THIS LINE IS A CONVERSATION THAT'S LIKELY TRANSPIRING RIGHT NOW IN A HOME SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA:                    ________ WOMAN:  "Where were you shitface?" MAN:  "Dumping yer toilet." WOMAN:  "Where'd you dump it?" MAN:  "It's gone." WOMAN:  "Gone where? MAN:  "Gone." WOMAN:  "Did you remove the parts?" MAN: "Under yer bed." WOMAN:  "Under the bed?" MAN:  "In a bag." WOMAN: "What kind of bag?" MAN:  "They're in a fuckin' bag." WOMAN:  "You get the float?" MAN:  "In the bag." WOMAN: "I wanna fill the float with my piss and throw it out the car window on the way to Burger King." MAN:  "I'm gonna hang the wax ring in our bedroom and use it as flypaper to keep the flies off us when we're fuckin'." WOMAN:  "You get the handle?" MAN:  "In the bag." WOMAN:  "You done real good.  Tonight I'll screw the old toilet flapper into your greasy asshole." MAN:  "I like it when the flapper is lodged in my shitter." END OF IMAGINED CONVERSATION.                   _________ I often take long nighttime walks and while I'm walking I look at folks I don't recognize and I read waterlogged flyers stapled to the exterior walls of buildings and I pick up small objects and sometimes I spit for no reason, too.     NOTE:  There were pubic hairs of all shapes, sizes and colors stuck in the wax ring. EXTRA:  I neglected to mention that hairs long and short were also sticking out from various cracks on the padded toilet seat, too. BONUS:  The wax ring is placed under the toilet by the installer and it prevents leakage by providing a watertight seal between the toilet and the waste pipe. EXTRA BONUS:  The woman (referenced in the above imagined conversation) uses the toilet flush handle as a back scratcher.  SPECIAL NOTE:  The man (referenced in the above imagined conversation) experiences more intense orgasms when the toilet flapper is hammered into his butthole.  At least, that's what his woman tells him. PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays