Tuesday 15 December 2009
	My Christmas Tree Potion.
	It is fifty minutes past midnight and I am on the island and I am in my garage and I am smoking a cigarette and the 1939 model 96X3 RCA six tube radio is switched on and I'm listening to (mostly static) come from the X3's onboard Electro-Dynamic speaker. I'm working on my latest invention. I often take long breaks while I am working and during those breaks I mostly stare at nothing (in particular) and while I'm staring at nothing (in particular) I lift whatever cigarette I happen to be smoking to my lips (again and again) and while the lit cigarette is between my lips I rotate the tuning knob on the RCA 96X3 only to find even more static. The 1939 RCA 96X3 is capable of picking up shortwave radio broadcasts but shortwave broadcasts are becoming harder and harder to find.  Sometimes I'll talk aloud and to myself and say things like, "Hi Norm," or "Whatcha doing Norman?" Between drags off my cigarette and while the static comes from the dried out RCA Electro-Dynamic speaker I drink coffee from the cup that contains it and when I am done drinking coffee from the cup that contains it I clear my throat and immediately after I have cleared my throat into the dimly lit garage I say aloud: "Whatcha doing, Norman?" In my head (using internal dialog) I'll oftentimes repeat what I've just said aloud, clarifying it: What are you doing? Norman? Yes you! What are you doing? Norm? Norman! What are you doing Norman? A moment passes.  Again I lift the coffee cup to my lips, swallow, lower the cup and maybe twenty seconds pass and when the seconds pass I say aloud: "Hi, Norman!" Again, using my internal dialog, I'll clean-up and clarify making sure I fully understand the ramifications of what I've just said: Hi! Hello! Norm? Hello? Hello Norm! Norman? Hi Norman! I tell myself (often) how good it is to talk aloud to oneself and while I am trying to sell myself on the idea of talking aloud to oneself there is a knock on the garage door. Normally I try to anticipate a knock on any door.  Had I heard the slam of a car door or the clunk of a high heel I would have dimmed the light and switched off my six tube RCA radio. Too late. Says the woman knocking on the garage door: "I know you're in there, Norman." I have little choice. I switch on the light and send power to the old tube radio and while I'm heading for the door I say: "Is that you Abbey?"  When the door is unlocked Abbey pushes her way past me and walks to my work table.  When she is done circling my work table she switches off the old radio and says: "I can't talk over static." I say:   "How are you Abbey?" She says:  "Your Hanukah gifts are lying on your porch.  Four wet beautifully wrapped packages.  Don't you ever come out?" I say: "I'm sorry." She says: "I spent a lot of time picking those gifts out for you." I say: "I appreciate that." Maybe three minutes (of neither of us talking) passes and while it is passing she is examining my small Christmas trees.  The miniature trees are lined up and the trunk of each tree is resting in a bowl of water. Says Abbey: "What in the hell is this?" I say: "I'm experimenting." She says: "My friends are right about you." I am lighting another cigarette and while I am lighting it I say: "Okay." She says: "They've already invented Christmas trees, Norman." I say: "These Christmas trees are drinking a special liquid designed by me that when drank up by the tree will make the tree impervious to flames." She says: "So." I am holding a lit wooden match under one of the branches of one of my experimental miniature Christmas trees and while I am holding it I say: "It's a real Christmas tree that won't catch fire." Abbey puts her spit on her thumb and on her index finger and while the spit is on her thumb and index finger she squeezes down on the wooden match extinguishing the flame and when the flame is extinguished she says: "We had a date." I say: "It's a systematic foolproof potion.  The insurance companies will love it and maybe some people won't die." She says: "Your gifts are rusting on your porch, asshole." I say: "I've been busy." The girl moves fast and with great purpose toward the garage door and while she's moving fast and with great purpose she says: "I'm wasting my time." I am outside and Abbey is getting into her 2009 Toyota Prius when I say:  "Real Christmas trees that are flameproof are the future." I am closing and then locking the garage door and as I am closing and locking the garage door I say (aloud and to myself): "You'll see." In my head (using internal dialog) I'll oftentimes repeat what I've just said aloud, clarifying it: You. You'll. See. You'll, see. NOTE:  Only a few minutes after Abbey left I went to retrieve my beautifully wrapped Hanukah gifts from the porch but they were gone. EXTRA:  At three in the morning my phone rang and when I put the phone to my ear I heard the obvious moans of a woman being aggressively porked and while I heard the moans of a woman being aggressively porked I could also hear the sounds of a thick hardwood headboard slamming into a wall again and again and while the bed headboard was making impact with the wall and while the woman moaned there was an echo (like maybe their phone was accidently dropped into a gallon bucket of Boy Butter) and then the connection went dead.  I'm pretty sure it was Abbey. PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays