Monday 2 November 2009
	The Movies and Her Grandmother.
	I've found a couple of good seats in the theater and we're settling in. I'm with a woman.  This woman always brings with her a small blanket (when dating me) made by her now deceased grandmother. I say:  "Did you bring the blanket?" She says: "I did, darling." She refers to me as darling often and normally it would bother me as I'd likely interpret the use of darling directed toward (at) me as a kind of ticking condescending psychological wrench purposely designed to be thrown into my already fragile psyche but I know she's sincere with regards to her usage of (darling) so I just go with it and on occasion I even refer to her as: "Dear." For example: "Would you like a Dr. Pepper, dear?" Her beloved grandmother died in 1999 when the brakes on her 1969 Chrysler Imperial four door (hardtop) locked and because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt her grandmother was thrown through the windshield of the Imperial and while her body was lying on the asphalt (twenty seven and a half feet in front of her Chrysler) a Brink's armored truck loaded down with 11,350 rolls of Susan B. Anthony dollars ran the old woman over pulling off her yarn-dyed, woven cotton, imported, machine washable house dress. (It was in all the newspapers and one  photographer employed by the Grand Rapids Press even took a photograph of her grandmothers house dress hanging from the reinforced steel bumper of the Brink's truck.)      I digress. Whenever I date this woman she'll invariably ask me the same question at least half a dozen times throughout the night.  Her question: "Do you think my grandmother was already dead when she went through the windshield of her Chrysler or do you think my grandmother was still alive when the Brink's truck ran her over?" At every instance (with regards to her query) I'll answer in exactly the same way I answered (her exact same question) an hour, two hours or three hours earlier.  I will inhale.  I will exhale.  I will tilt my head up looking at nothing in particular.  When I'm done tilting my head looking at nothing in particular I'll level my head and while my head is level I'll look into her eyes and while I'm looking into her eyes I'll say:   "I don't know." I don't know and it's hard for me to care about an old woman I never met especially given the ridiculous circumstances surrounding her death.  What kind of fucking idiot rockets headfirst through the extremely thick windshield of a classic '69 Chrysler Imperial and is then run over by a Brink's armored truck?  Why wasn't her grandmother wearing underpants?  Were there seatbelts in the Imperial?   I ask myself these same questions whenever she asks me if her grandmother was dead or alive or alive or dead and while I'm waiting for the movie to start and while I'm tearing the plastic wrap from the box of Sno-Caps the woman says: "They found her shoes on the foot pedals.  Her left shoe was resting on the brake pedal and her right shoe was resting on the gas pedal." I was waiting for that.  The shoes with regards to her deceased grandmother will be the last thing she'll talk about for a good long while.  We'll be free to enjoy the movie now and even explore other topics for at least a couple of hours. She says: "They found one of her custom orthopedic shoe inserts in the back seat of the Chrysler.  They couldn't find the other custom orthopedic shoe insert and I'll tell you why because it was signed by Wayne Newton." I say: "How 'bout a Sno-Cap, dear?" Says the Sno-Cap eating woman: "It wasn't fair, Norman.  It just wasn't fair."   NOTE:  Is it even possible that Wayne Newton would autograph a smelly, worn-out, custom orthopedic shoe insert yanked from a Nazi era (extremely thick soled shoe) by an elderly lunatic? EXTRA:  Wayne Newton is also known as, "Mr. Las Vegas." FACT:  The Susan B. Anthony dollar was a U.S. coin minted from 1979-1981 and again in 1999.      TIDBIT: Brink's Inc., was founded in 1859.  They employ over 53,000 people. BONUS: The Imperial windshield was repaired by A.J. Lambert and Sons, Inc. of Grand Rapids, Michigan at a cost of $787.80.  While workers removed the old windshield a toenail was found clinging to a section of the glass.  The toenail was later indentified to have originated from the toe of her now deceased grandmother.  As her grandmother had a toenail fungus issue (Onychomycosis) the toenail in question was thick and yellow and easily identifiable to acquaintances and relatives alike.  The granddaughter had a hole professionally drilled into the thick yellow toenail (and she had the toenail polished) and today the granddaughter wears the toenail of her deceased grandmother around her neck.  The 1969 Chrysler Imperial is presently parked in a small unlit pole barn in Howard City, Michigan.  The monthly storage fee is $66. PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays