| Saturday 03 October 2009 | ||
| Halloween On My Mind. | ||
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Pumpkins are available now and because
they are available I have purchased several and transported them to
my garage on Gaspirilla Island.
Unlike you, my intentions with regards to my purchases are quite different. I will not carve a face into the pumpkins. I will not put a candle inside the pumpkins. I will not paint my pumpkins (a popular alternative to carving). I have no intention of extracting the seeds for baking. I'm not making pies. My pumpkins will not be placed on my porch. (The feminization of man is bringing to the forefront the idea of knifeless pumpkin carving. Additionally insurance companies are dissuading Americans from using candles, instead pushing the benefits of battery powered realistic flickering LEDs. If I were to actually carve the pumpkin I would use a Case Alamo Bowie knife. The Case Alamo Bowie knife has a ten inch long mirror polished surgical steel blade, a Cocobolo handle and it comes with a genuine leather sheath) With regards to my pumpkins: In my minds eye my intentions make perfect sense. They're crystalline, even. In the darkness of my bedroom I've run countless scenarios again and again. In each scenario the results are the same. Like a caterpillar my pumpkins will be reborn. There will be a complete metamorphosis. Their lifecycle will end and begin with me and together we will become one. Step One: Purchase several large pumpkins. Remove pumpkin stem. Cut hole into pumpkin. Remove seeds. Thoroughly clean pumpkin exterior. Step Two: Place pumpkins on garage floor. Step Three: Get inside your automobile. Close car door. Start engine. Roll down window. Step Four: Depress brake pedal. Pull or push shift lever into drive. Step Five: Apply pressure to gas pedal. Slowly roll the left front wheel of your car tire over the pumpkin (Position your head outside open window so that you can monitor your progress). Step Six: Scoop up mashed pumpkin. Place pumpkin mash onto flat surface (patio, basement floor, driveway). Step Seven: Using baking rolling pin flatten pumpkin mash into a large thin single sheet. Step Eight: In approximately 72 hours the thin sheet of rolled out pumpkin mash will be dry but flexible. Step Nine: Using a sharp knife press down onto thin pumpkin sheet and cut out several (5' x 2') sections from the dry but flexible pumpkin sheet. Step Ten: Roll (5' x 2') section into tube making sure as you roll it that it fits snugly over your erect penis. With regards to my pumpkins: In my minds eye my intentions make perfect sense. In the darkness of my room my thoughts my intentions, they're accessible and they're fast and they're error free. They're crystalline, even. NOTE: On Halloween night you can move about your neighborhood looking like a member of the Dani tribe living in the Baliem Valley (New Guinea). You've crafted a genuine penis sheath. EXTRA: Walking about wearing only a handcrafted dick sheath on Halloween night might not be legal in your neighborhood. SUGGESTION: Dance to music by Jim Morrison while donning your homemade pumpkin mash penis sheath and while you dance to Morrison (with your sheath atop your penis) shoot stale candy corn into the open optimistic eyes of self-entitled American kids using a Saunders Wrist-Rocket. WARNING: Your custom pumpkin mash prick sheath will be five feet long. Careful you don't poke out an eye especially if you're wearing your sheath while giving out candy to costumed kids on Halloween night. FAMILY FUN: If you've got kids make the cock sheaths with them they'll remember making the sheaths with you and think fondly of you long after you're dead. HANDY TIP: When Halloween passes the sheaths function equally well as a switch. Use your pumpkin mash dick sheath like a switch and strike the tits of your woman (hard) and often. SWITCH: (From Merriam Webster Dictionary) "A slender flexible whip, rod, or twig." PREVIOUS HOME NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays |
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