Tuesday 18 August 2009
	The various methods I would have used to meet chicks if I had been at the Woodstock concert in 1969.
	It's three in the morning and I am in my garage and I am working on another invention and while I'm working on my invention (in my garage) I move six feet to my left and begin writing onto the surface of my jumbo (classroom style) chalkboard. Using a fat uneven piece of yellow chalk I write the following at the top of the chalkboard: WOODSTOCK '69 GUARANTEED CHICK MEETING IDEAS: While I'm moving the chalk around the chalkboard I push a cigarette between my lips and while it's between my lips I light it and when I'm done lighting it I exhale and when all the smoke has left my lungs I write the following: ONE:  Purchase used American Tourister suitcase and fill with brassieres and panties.  Offer panties and brassieres to Woodstock concert girl hippies knowing in advance that their panties and brassieres are likely wet, muddy and soaked with semen.  When American Tourister suitcase is open (and while hippie girl is perusing merchandise) I unzip my pants and I pull out my big dick.   TWO:  Make fake identification with photograph.  Wear identification on Woodstock concert grounds which when read gives hippie girls the notion that my name is Norman Coleman of the legendary Coleman outdoor company (camping, hiking, backpacking).  Offer to pitch their waterlogged tent at no cost and when I'm inside the tent of the tripin' Woodstock hippie girl (explaining tent basics) I pull out my big dick.  THREE:  Walk around Woodstock concert grounds with a three ounce can of WD-40.  Whenever I encounter a Woodstock hippie girl with a jammed sleeping bag zipper I tell her my mother is a seamstress and that I learned from (my mother) that the best way to get sleeping bag zippers moving again is by using WD-40.  While hippie girl is watching me spray WD-40 onto her jammed sleeping bag zipper I pull out my big dick.     FOUR:  Rent or borrow a motorcycle.  Stand in front of motorcycle.  When wasted Woodstock hippie girls approach me in evening hours to admire my bike I reach up to headlight switch and turn on hog headlight.  While hog headlight is on and while hippie girl is admiring my chopper I pull out my big dick (which appears even bigger because of the illumination coming from the headlight of my motorcycle). FIVE:  Because of the massive amounts of shitting occurring on the Woodstock concert grounds outhouses had to be repositioned every couple of hours.  I intend to stand alongside an official Woodstock outhouse with a shovel and when a Woodstock hippie girl approaches wanting to use the toilet I tell her I'm about to dig a fresh hole.  While I'm digging the fresh hole I tell the hippie girl about Einstein's theory of relativity and about how Einstein's theory can help to determine the speed at which shit will fall into outhouse holes and while I'm explaining the theory of relativity I drop the shovel and pull out my big dick.        SIX:  I tell Woodstock concert hippie girls that I'm a sound monitor and I work under the Woodstock stage.  I ask the hippie girl if she'd like to get a look at the soles of Janis Joplin's Earth shoes.  While the hippie girl is looking up from under the stage wanting to get a glimpse of Joplin's soles I pull out my big dick. SEVEN:  I sell popcorn balls and I have a change machine clipped to my belt.  While I am walking around the Woodstock concert grounds I yell: "Popcorn Balls."  When a Woodstock hippie girl gives me paper money wanting a popcorn ball I move my hand toward my chrome plated change machine but instead of operating my chrome plated change machine I unzip my pants and instead of giving the hippie girl a popcorn ball or coins from my chrome plated change machine I pull out my big dick. EIGHT:  I design and manufacture a circular kite made to look like a peace sign.  Because the peace sign is so relevant (at that time) and because my kite is so unique Woodstock concert hippie girls approach me wanting to fly it.  Of course I let them fly my circular peace sign kite but while the hippie girl is looking up flying my peace sign kite I pull out my big dick. NOTE: I had a shitload more.  Just know that in every situation I end up pulling out my big dick. PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays