Friday 27 March 2009
	Ancient Glass Dongs Now Available Limited Supply.
	It's 3:37 in the morning and I am in my garage.  Only five minutes ago I was talking to the woman I've been dating but she abruptly left when I showed her the prototype of my latest invention.    FLASHBACK ----------------------- She said: "What is it?" I said: "It's a dildo made from glass and at the base of the dildo are three light-emitting diodes." She said: "For what reason?" I said: "The economy has got people scared.  Folks are dazed and confused.  It's a scientific fact that sexual arousal and fear are closely related.  Fear puts most people into a perpetual state of sexual arousal.  A couple of million Americans are walking around right now with rock hard pricks and dripping pussies.  I'm gonna make a fortune selling my glass cocks to horny, stressed out rubes." She says: "This is why you asked to borrow my dads polishing wheel?" I said: "It took fifteen hours to get the dildo to look like that." She said: "I can't believe this."  I said: "These diodes are actually tiny lights and they'll change color while the user uses the dildo.  See how the glass turns red and then yellow and then green." She said: "You're in your garage at three in the morning and your polishing a glass penis?" I said: "I figure I'll sell them through mail order and the headline of the brochure will read: ANCIENT CRYSTAL DONGS SIMILAR TO THE CRYSTAL SKULL UNEARTHED IN BRITISH HONDURAS IN 1927 LIMITED SUPPLY."  She said: "You could have been anything, Norm." I said: "For another ten dollars I'll send them a genuine oak stained mantel stand made from eastern white pine.  They can put their limited edition glass cock on it and in that way their friends and relatives can enjoy the ancient glass cock, too." She said: "What the hell are you talking about?" I said: "For an additional $19.95 I'll superimpose their face onto a fake 8 x10 glossy photograph." She said: "A glossy photograph of what?" "The photograph will show the person on-site at an archeological dig with pyramids in the background and they'll be holding my crystal cock looking like they just unearthed the find of the century." She said: "Huh?" I said: "For another $19.95 I'll send them a leather pouch that attaches to their waist belt and in that way they can carry the crystal cock with them everywhere and if you'd like to send my crystal cock to a friend or relative simply write in their names and addresses and I'll send them a gift wrapped crystal cock at a reduced price." She said: "You can't be serious." I said: "But I am, darling." She said: "And what does your boyfriend do?  He makes dildos out of glass and for a couple of bucks more you can get a pine stand and you can put your ancient glass dildo on your fireplace mantel but if you'd rather carry your crystal cock with you everywhere you go you can purchase a leather belt sheath or if your so inclined you can get a fake photograph making you look like you're on some sort of bizarre fucked up dildo dig complete with pyramids. You're out of your mind, Norm.  I'm outta here."  FLASH FORWARD ------------------ I am lighting a cigarette and then inhaling it and while I am exhaling the smoke from my lungs my cell phone rings and when I answer it the woman I'm dating says:         "I've had it with you.  The ridiculous inventions.  The endless hours.  Don't you ever sleep? I need eight hours a night. I told you that. What the hell are you and who in the hell can smoke a brick of weed in a day?  You're talented alright but it and me don't mix.  You look good for about five minutes but mister you are trouble with a capital T."  NOTE: She was still talking when I hung up on her.  When she called back she said she'd come back over with her ex-boyfriend and he and she would hammer my ancient glass dildo into my butthole.  We're no longer dating.  If you're interested (and you don't require a great deal of sleep and you can at least pretend to believe in my inventions) I'm yours. PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays