Friday 23 January 2009
	Katie Couric, Indians, Dinks, My Street Walker, Her Kid Wants A Chocolate Shake and More.
	I'm in North Miami and it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm stopped at a red light and while I'm stopped at the red light I'm talking to a prostitute out my car window.   She tells me, "she'll blow me for twenty dollars," and she's giving me the details of the transaction and while she's giving me the details my mind wanders and (even though I look like I'm listening) I'm instead thinking of our newly elected American president: START OF NORM'S INTERNAL DIALOGUE WHILE PROSTITUTE LAYS OUT THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS: Damn.  Americans don't know how lucky they are to have a black president in office.  Lucky.  He's tall.  Thin.  Handsome. A Harvard graduate.   Great smile. He's married to a beautiful intelligent black woman and he's got two great looking black kids. He's an American. He's one of us. As a nation we should feel blessed that he's black. Blessed! It was an honor voting for you, sir. THE PROSTITUTE GETS INTO NORM'S  CAR, SMILES AND WHILE SHE'S SMILING SHE MOVES HER LONG NAILED FINGERS TOWARD NORM'S TREASURE-LIKE CROTCH. RING! RING! INTERRUPTION... SLIGHT DELAY IN BLOWJOB ACTION...  THE CELL PHONE OWNED BY MY STOPLIGHT WHORE (HAS RUNG).    "Mommy promises to bring you home a chocolate McDonald's milkshake," says the prostitute then switching off her cell phone. SEXUAL SITUATION RESUMES... RESUMING... HARDCORE BLOWJOB ACTION BEGINS HERE.  NORM'S MIND RACES.  RIDICULOUS NOTIONS AND IDEAS MOVE THROUGHOUT HIS BRAIN WHILE THE PROSTITUTE MOUTHS HIS SEMI-HARD PRICK: (NORM'S INTERNAL DIALOGUE WHILE BEING BLOWN:) Holy shit.  Were we ever lucky.  Imagine (instead) a gook as an American president.  A four foot tall gook.  Now that would be something to get upset about.  Yeah, man. Four years of someone resembling Margaret Cho donning a Moe Howard haircut standing at a presidential podium (wagging their grenade pin gook finger about) as they talk about Homeland Security.  My grandparents worked the rice paddies in the Red River Delta of northern Vietnam and today I stand before the America people as their first gook president. Four years of watchin' our American slanty-eyed commander-in-chief walking the isolated woods of Camp David (via newscasts and the internet). Katie Couric Special Interview:  KATIE:  Our American dink president moves through the mountains and woods of rural Camp David silently and swiftly much like his Vietcong forefathers before him.  Di di mau! All Hail the dink! Four years.  Maybe eight... (Afterward, our ex-dink president will sign with the William Morris Agency and he/she will sell Uncle Ben's or Rice-A-Roni). Americans don't know how lucky they are to have a tall, thin, handsome black all-American president. Holy shit. We were lucky, man. Imagine (instead) an American Indian as president of the United States.  A skinny, all-American, white robed, bearded, turban wearing, mumbling Deepok Chopra wannabe standing at the presidential podium for four years wagging his/her long nailed greasy finger about. Barbara Walters Special Interview: BARBARA:  Our lentil eating all-American president has just passed legislation that will introduce flying carpets into all branches of the U.S. Military. All Hail the Towelhead! Four years. Maybe eight... Haanji! (Afterward, our ex-towelhead president will sign with the William Morris Agency and he/she will become the spokesperson for Stainmaster carpets). Americans don't know how lucky they are. He looks like one of us.  He talks like one of us.  He moves like one of us.  He is one of us! Thank you Lord for Barack Obama! SONG: Oh so black Don't call him Baa-rack He is the man... What you see isn't a tan. CHORUS: Black power, It's our golden hour. From pain to gain... From chains to the reigns. Black power, It's our bittersweet hour. Our blossoming flower, Our church bell tower. CHORUS OUT A Harvard Grad Now he lives in Whitey's pad. He's got the power To make countries cower... END OF NORM'S INTERNAL DIALOGUE. RIDICULOUS NOTIONS AND IDEAS EMANATING FROM NORM'S (Id) CEASE.  NORM'S PINK VOLCANO HAS ERUPTED.   When I finally blow my load the big breasted, full lipped, North Miami prostitute sits up and asks me for the agreed upon twenty dollars. "Good work," I say. She says: "I told you I'd finish before the light changed." I say: "Thank you." She says: "Take care, sugar." NOTE: The prostitute gave me a pen and printed on the pen was a telephone number that led to her Walmart Tracfone.  She told me to call if I ever wanted to schedule a party for a special event.  I pretended to act interested but when I was out of sight I tossed the pen out my car window as I was sure it had likely been shoved into someone's butthole. GOOK: (Merriam Webster dictionary):   "A nonwhite or non-American person." DINK:  (Merriam Webster dictionary) "Disparaging name for a Vietnamese." TOWELHEAD: (Wiktionary) "Term used in derogation of Muslims, Arabs, Sikhs, and other groups who traditionally wear headdress such as a turban and keffiyeh or headscarf." RICE PADDY:  (Wikipedia) "A flooded parcel used for growing rice." VIETCONG:  (Wikipedia) "An army based in South Vietnam that fought the United States during the Vietnam war (1959-1975)." DI DI MAU:  (Interpretation) "Move quickly." Id:  [Freud, New Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis (1933)] "The Id is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it we have learnt from our study of the dream-work and of the construction of neurotic symptoms, and most of this is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We all approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations... It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organization, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs subject to the observance of the pleasure principal." PRICK:  (From Norm Augustinus)  "The item 100 million American women (and some men) are frantically searching for on a daily basis." PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT Click Here To Subscribe To Norm's Essays