Friday 7 November 2008
	My Apple iPhone application and Miss December Boots.
	It's a few minutes before three o'clock in the morning and I'm working in my garage and while I'm working in my garage I hear the slam of a car door.  Right quick I stand and switch off the radio and before I have a chance to turn off the light and (play dead) the person that slammed the car door says: "I know you're in there, Norman." I know who it is.  I recognize the particular sound of her heels hitting the concrete as she moves her Clark's December boots closer to my door. I never liked the look of a boot on a woman.  A booted woman walks with a greater sense of direction and purpose.  A booted woman pulls their lips back as far as they can go when they smile and they often tilt their head back when they laugh and when they laugh they usually laugh very loud. A booted woman appears too confident. Booted women scare me. I live on an island because I'm frightened of people although you'd never know it if you were to meet me.  When we meet I'll shake your hand and I'll smile.  When you talk I'll appear to be listening and when you're done talking I'll pause so as to appear to be digesting the gems you've just delivered and you'll be impressed by my pause though in actuality I'm really wondering how much longer I'll have to endure our close proximity to one another. Miss December Boots knocks on the garage door and while she knocks she says:   "I don't know why I even come here anymore, Norman." Miss December Boots is attractive, intelligent, quick and aggressive.   "Let me in, asshole," she says. My mother is a Jew.  Jews don't like profanity spewing individuals wearing tall-shaft black leather boots knocking at their door at three in the morning. It scares them. I'm opening the door and while I'm opening the door I'm smiling and before the door is fully opened Miss December Boots walks past me and heads straight for my work table. After a thorough inspection she says: "Laptop computer, iPhone, some kind of computer code.  Whatcha working on, Norman?" Miss December Boots tells all her friends that I'm, "Brilliant."  She wants me to be more than I am and it's her belief that I am misdirected. I say: "That's XCode.  I'm working on a web application for the iPhone and the iPod Touch." She's smiling now and while she's smiling she moves toward me and when she's close enough she wraps her arms around me and while her arms are wrapped around me she says: "I love you, Norman." It is her belief that I am misdirected. After a kiss on my lips she says: "What will your Apple application do?" I inhale deeply and when all the air has left my lungs I say: "It'll work using Wi-Fi.  A man or a woman places a specially designed miniature camera into their underwear and if someone has my application installed in their iPhone or iPod Touch they'll be able to see that individuals dong or vagina." She says: "Pardon?" "Imagine you've got my application in your iPhone.  You walk into a bar and order a beer.  While you're drinking your beer you pull out your iPhone and click on my application.  If someone in the bar has got my miniature camera in their underwear it'll transmit live images of their pussy or prick right to their iPhone in real-time." She says: "Huh?" I say: "The miniature camera in their pants comes equipped with its own Wi-Fi broadcast transmitter.  With my application anyone can see nearby snatch or cock and decide right then and there if they're interested and if they are interested this red arrow will steer them to the origin of the Wi-Fi signal." She says: "What the hell are you taking about, Norman?" "Pussy and dick," I say. She says: "Pussy and dick?" I say: "It has a fifty foot range.  It'll be the number one downloaded Apple application." She says: "I thought you were writing a game or a helpful calendar application or maybe even a handy pill reminder application. You're outta your fuckin' mind, Norman." I say: "A handy pill reminder?" "My family is going out for steak this Saturday.  Dad asked me to ask you to come along.  But you can forget about that now, buster." Miss December Boots is walking out the door and while she is walking out the door she says: "I don't even know why I come here anymore." I switch on the radio and while I am adjusting the volume I say: "It'll be the number one most downloaded iPhone, iPod Touch application in Apple history." PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT