Thursday 23 October 2008
	Give 'Em Worthless Shit This Halloween.
	Loosing your house or car to the bank? Unemployed? Worried? Scared? Considering suicide? No sweat. You can be emotionally hurting and heading toward complete and total ruin but you can give out candy this Halloween and (look just like your fuckin' financially flush neighbor) while you're doing it.  Sound to good to be true?  Here's how: Valuable Halloween Tip 1: Go to Wal-Mart and purchase a can of silver spray paint. Go to any bank and give them a dollar. Ask for 100 pennies. Go home and paint pennies silver using can of spray paint. Pennies now look like dimes. On Halloween night when you reach for the pennies the sexually active American punks will think you're giving out dimes. Kids like dimes better than pennies.  Dimes buy boxes of condoms, KY lubricant, cock rings and dildo batteries faster than pennies.  You'll look flush on Halloween night and it will cost you around $2.50. Valuable Halloween Tip 2: If you've got aluminum foil tear off pieces and twist the pieces into tiny cone like shapes.  The kids (still reeling in the afterglow of orgasm from a lunchtime fuck session under a middle school staircase) will think you're giving away Hershey's Kisses.  Sexually experienced Halloween punks enjoy Hershey's Kisses because eating chocolate makes them feel like they're back under their school staircase getting blown by a big titted, full lipped, very responsible 12-year-old fellow classmate/hall monitor. Feel good about Halloween and it'll cost you nothing. Valuable Halloween Tip 3: 7-Eleven gives away straws for free (They're near the Slurpee machine). Take a handful of the paper straws (not plastic).  Crimp each end of straw. Congratulations. You've just made spurious Pixy Sticks. Doped up trick-or-treaters love packing crystal meth into paper straws then (blowing into them) while they're aimed point-blank at a hot throbbing clitoris.  You'll be the hit of the neighborhood and you didn't put out a cent. Valuable Halloween Tip 4: If you can't smell semen or the odor of a freshly burned and popped hymen (while the costumed idiots stand at your door) give them a proper Halloween treat.  Ball up a section of your hometown newspaper. Wrap tape around ball (masking, duct, transparent). Using black marker write: "Deluxe popcorn ball," onto exterior of taped, balled up newspaper.  Excellent.  Popcorn balls are a grand Halloween tradition.  Let the future leaders know you appreciate the arrogant stink of their uppity goodness by giving them this proven holiday classic.  If you've got the materials lying around this too will cost you nothing. Fuck It All To Hell Emergency Action:  If you don't care what your limp dicked, big titted neighbors think of your Halloween night non-participation simply construct a fake 'Bank Repossession' sign and place it in your front yard. Your greasy, horny, anemic neighbors will assume you're broke and walk their selfish, costumed, greedy little fucks right past your crappy house. Requires common household items (paint, cardboard, tape, scrap wood). PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT