Saturday 4 October 2008  
 
  Halloween cost cutting ideas.  
 
 		  
 
I am in my garage and it is two hours and forty five minutes past midnight and when it is nearly three in the morning I hear a car pull into my driveway.  I'm pretty sure I know who it is and before I have a chance to switch off the light and (play dead) she says:   

"I know you're in there, Norm." 

This woman has been dogging me for some time.  Usually I'm able to cut off advances toward me right quick.  I'm a seasoned wordsmith.  A master, really.  A sentence here, a couple of words there and poof, they're gone.  Not this one.  She sees something in me.  She wants to help me become the person she knows I could be.

While I'm pondering her visit she says:   

"I'm an attractive, intelligent woman Norman I don't need this."

That's the part that scares me.  I like 'em attractive and stupid. 

I wish I
could be with you
and you with
me.
Like when I dreamed I saw you
in a puddle.
In a puddle,
I dreamed I saw you.
When I'm not dreaming
I'm looking for you.
In puddles.

When she's away from me I rarely think of her.  When she's standing within close proximity I'm often caught up in the smell of her perfume, the shine of her lip-gloss, the fullness of her lips or the length of her freshly painted acrylic nails.

I'm unlocking the deadbolt at the top of the door then unlocking the deadbolt at the bottom of the door and while I'm lifting off the case hardened steel bar she says:

"C'mon Norm."

When I open the door she walks into the garage (with great purpose) and immediately examines the items atop the work table in the center of the room.                      

She says:
   
"What now, Norman.  What is this?"

I say: 

"Stuff for Halloween."

She is tapping a pumpkin using a screwdriver and while she is tapping it she says:

"Another cement pumpkin?'

For years my Jack-o'-Lanterns were destroyed by unknown individuals.  The woman tapping the pumpkin with the screwdriver doesn't know this about me but I'd cry long and hard after finding my Jack-o'-Lanterns in pieces on the porch.  My mother would get angry and call me a pussy and tell me how my Jack-o'-Lantern was, "Was just a damn gourd," and how I should be thinking about the pleasure my pumpkin brought to the person that got to kick it to pieces.   

She says:

"You're gonna get sued when some kid breaks his foot.  Do you want that?"

I'm about ready to launch into an explanation about my cement pumpkin when she says:

"Sugar and printer paper.  What's this?"

I say:

"Have you ever heard of Pixy Sticks?  I'm cutting the inkjet paper into narrow strips and then I pour ordinary household sugar onto the paper strip and then I fold over the paper."

She says:

"You're making your own Pixy Sticks?"

I say:

"Halloween is gonna cost me nothing.  These are tough times."

She says:

"Glue sticks?"

I say:

"For the Pixy Stick assembly."

The woman that wants to help me become the person she knows I could be moves to the far end of the work table and when she's done exhaling she says:

"What's this?"

I say:

"That's a fake realtor sign.  I figure the grown-ups walking their kids on Halloween night will see that sign and figure I'm broke and not stop here."

She says:

"Bank repossession?  What are you talking about?"

I say:

"On Halloween night I place that sign in my front yard near the sidewalk.  The parents out with their children see it and they're thinking: This homeowner is loosing his house to the bank.  This homeowner is giving away miniscule and stale candy because they are penniless.  This homeowner is probably angry.  This homeowner probably has a gun.  This homeowner is probably masturbating to relieve stress.  I don't want my kids ringing this homeowners doorbell while his house is being repossessed because he's probably holding his dick with one hand and holding a gun in the other."

Thirty seconds pass and when it passes she says:    

"That's very bizarre, Norm."

"These are tough times," I say.   

On the way to the door she stops at another table.

She says:

"Giving away quarters?  That's nice, Norm.  Now you're showing me something."

I say:

"It looks like a huge glass bowl of American quarters.  However, only the quarters lying on the surface of the bowl are real.  I've attached a transparent fishing line to five quarters so that whenever I reach into the the fake huge bowl of American quarters the kids will think I'm grabbing a handful (of quarters) and throwing them into their trick-or-treat bag.  The realty is, is that the transparent fishing line is attached to my wrist.  The kids will see a big bowl of quarters and get excited but when they get home they won't find any quarters because I never gave them any.  All night long I'll be throwing the same five quarters.  I've practiced extensively would you like to see how real my quarter toss looks?"

She says:

"I was gonna ask you to go with me to a party with my folks but I think I just changed my mind."

As she's walking out the door I say:

"Maybe you'd like me better if I gave away super deluxe, jumbo, four dollar apiece 3 Musketeers bars."

She says:

"Maybe."

I say:

"I'll let you know about the party."

She says:

"Yeah, you do that, Norm."



PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT