Jack Morgenstern lives in Wasilla, Alaska.  He's lived there for 36 years.  Jack is retired now.  Before retirement he delivered fuel oil for the Smith Brothers in Fairbanks, Alaska.  Mr. Morgenstern is a big man with a big laugh.  For two weeks in December he is employed as Santa Claus for the Sears and Roebuck store in Anchorage, Alaska.  He never attended a university but says he might have studied astronomy had he gotten the chance.      

NORM:  Tell me what it's like to be Santa Claus.

JACK:  It's tough pretending to be someone that never existed.  Everyone knows what Abraham Lincoln looked like, how he presented himself, it's history.  Santa is just as famous, maybe more so, but there's no photographs, no record of his speeches or conversations.  Mostly it's just a Jew department store manager telling me how he wants me to portray Santa Claus because he wants his Santa Claus to move the merchandise off the store shelves as quickly as possible. 

NORM:  Jew department store manager?

JACK:  They don't believe in Jesus but they sure believe in Santa.

NORM: I see.

JACK:  As Santa, I'm pretending to be someone that never existed and hoping my portrayal is accurate but I know it can't be accurate because the person I'm portraying isn't real but I need to be as real as I can be otherwise the punks will see through my lame act even though they've never seen the actual Santa Claus either.  It can be frustrating. I'm 71-years-old and I haven't figured out who I am yet and I'm pretending to be someone that's loving and generous and well assembled but I wouldn't loan anyone a quarter for a phone call and the last woman I loved I threw face first through the glass door of a walnut gun cabinet.

NORM:  You threw a woman head first into a glass door of a gun cabinet?

JACK:  Face first.

NORM: Face first.

JACK:  We were living together.  She believed in living on a tight household budget.  She told me we were short of money and she demanded that I tell her where the money went.  When I showed her the custom made walnut gun cabinet that had been delivered while she was at the bingo hall in Juneau she called me an irresponsible fag.  I may be irresponsible but I'm no fag.  No one calls Jack Morgenstern a fag.                         

NORM:  You delivered oil in Fairbanks, Alaska?
   
JACK:  Fuel oil.  In Fairbanks there's a lot of homes that have oil burning furnaces.  The oil storage tanks can be above or below ground.  These people prefer isolation and don't take kindly to strangers.  The roads to their homes are snow covered and narrow and slippery.

NORM:  What was that like?

JACK:  Once they get to know you, the customers are almost always glad to see you.  After all, they're cold. Their furnace hasn't been working for a couple of hours or perhaps even days.  The house is cold, there's snow outside, the kids are cold.  They want you to fill the tank as fast as possible.  A lot of times I'm invited in for coffee.  Sometimes people fuck to keep warm.  I've looked through ice covered windows while filling oil tanks and seen entire families fucking one another. 

NORM: Entire families?

JACK:  Have you ever gone fishing and brought along worms for bait?  Oftentimes the worms will get all balled up, slithering about, a living fleshy mass of quivering meat.  I've looked into windows and seen naked people with their dicks and pussies out all balled up like worms. 

NORM: I see.

JACK:  Did you see The Shining with Jack Nicholson?  Alaskan living is kinda like that only it's not starring Jack Nicholson.  Folks in Alaska ain't like Mr. Nicholson.     

NORM:  You should write a book.

JACK:  I took a shitload of photographs and I kept a good amount of notes.  I've shopped the idea around to various publishers.  I think it would make a helluva coffee table book.

NORM:  What might you title something like that?

JACK:  The woman I threw into the gun case told me to call it, Ice Road Fuckers but she ain't never been right about anything and our relationship has changed significantly since she went face first into the gun cabinet.   

NORM:  You have an interest in astronomy?

JACK:  I used to have an interest in astronomy until I eventually realized I just liked watching things, fall.  I discovered that my interest had nothing to do with telescopes or stars. When I had a telescope I saw few falling stars and even fewer planets.  When I started using my first Remington rifle I attached an Alpen riflescope to it and then I saw lots of falling things.

NORM:  What kind of falling things?

JACK:  I shot a .245 gram .50 caliber hollow point bullet into the forehead of a red squirrel yesterday.  Through the scope of the rifle I watched as the squirrel walked along the branch of a white spruce tree and when I squeezed the trigger the red squirrel dropped and I followed it looking through the scope lens kinda like you'd follow a falling star using a telescope.  It's similar to astronomy, you look through a scope but it's so much more fulfilling.

NORM:  Thanks for your time.

JACK:  You're welcome. 


JACK MORGENSTERN'S MOOSE MEATBALLS  

1 pound ground moose meat 1 large green apple (shredded) Salt and pepper 3 tablespoons onion bits 1/2 cup bread crumbs 3 tablespoons olive oil 3/4 cup red wine 1/4 cup water 2 (8-ounce) cans tomato sauce 1 teaspoon rosemary Combine the moose meat, apple, salt, pepper, and onion bits. Shape into balls. Roll the balls in the bread crumbs. Heat the oil in a skillet. Add meatballs and cook over medium heat. Mix together wine, water, tomato sauce, and rosemary. Pour over meatballs, cover, and simmer 20 minutes.

NEXT:  A conversation with the neighbor living in the house directly across the street from Todd and Sarah Palin.


 
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