Thursday May 1, 2008
	My New Birdhouse.
	It is after midnight and I am in my garage and I am working on a new birdhouse and while I am working on it someone knocks on the garage door. "Norman?" Knocks or doorbells or even hearing my name called kinda scares me so I try to get my mind right and when I think it's right I change the sound of my voice (I make it more manly and I pause a full second between each word) and then I say: "Who is it?" I'm good at altering my voice and the woman standing on the other side of the garage door doesn't recognize that it's me she's talking to and after a moment of not saying anything she says: "I'm looking for Norm Augustinus." Still in protective mode I say:  "What did you want him for?" I'm listening hard making sure she's alone and I'm holding my breath thinking they won't be able to pinpoint my location in the garage (where I'm standing) and while I'm holding my breath and not moving (not even an centimeter) the woman says: "Is that you Norman?" I say: "Yes." She says:   "I've brought the Shark over.  You told me I could stop over anytime.  You said you could fix it."  It's after midnight and I'm wondering why she didn't bring the Shark over at some other time and I'm thinking she probably wants me to ball her. I say: "I'm working on an invention." She says: "Open the door." I say: "I can't pork you.  I can't massage your clit.  I ain't suckin' your nipples." While I'm opening the garage door she moves past me and walks into the garage and while she's walking she says: "You're sick, Norman." I stand outside and while I'm standing outside I'm listening and when I'm done listening I look to my left and then to my right and as I back into the door I look up and when I'm done looking up I close and lock the garage door. I say: "I can't prop you up.  I'm barely hanging on myself." She says: "What are you talking about?" I say: "It's late." While I'm talking she walks to the iPod and lowers the volume making it hard for me to hear Frank Sinatra sing That's Life. She says: "Another invention?" I raise the volume on the iPod and while I'm raising it I say: "My ears ring.  I need the volume to be where it was."  She walks past the table saw.  She examines the drill press.  She kicks the wheel of the grinder lying on the floor.  She stops at the big plywood work table and when she's done looking over all the items lying on that table she looks up and says: "What kind of invention?" "A birdhouse," I say. "Another birdhouse?" she says. Normally I would have responded negatively to her comment, "Another birdhouse," but I am enjoying her perfume and I like her lips and I like the way her brown hair is resting on her shoulders so instead of responding negatively I smile and like an experienced salesman I say: "This birdhouse has a long hose attached to it.  When the birds are inside I can seal off the entrance hole and pump shitloads of gas into it.  The hose attaches to a twenty pound aluminum tank of nitrous oxide.  There's a camera inside, too." She stands and takes hold of her Shark floor sweeper and then says: "Laughing gas?  Why would you want to pump laughing gas into a birdhouse?" I say: "National Geographic pays big money for wildlife shots.  Have you ever seen a laughing bird?  Imagine what they'd pay for a close-up shot of an entire family of laughing birds." She says: "Laughing birds?" "If that doesn't pay off I figure I'll pump liquid nitrogen into the birdhouse instead and freeze the birds solid and then unthaw them on a live webcam and see if they come back to life.  People would pay for something like that," I say. She says: "They would?" I say: "I'd give the viewers enough time with the birds to establish a relationship and once they've got their favorite bird I pump in the nitro and turn 'em to stone.  Of course they'll have to pay to watch the birds thaw out.  It'll be gripping.  Thousands of people all over the planet praying for their favorite bird.  Will they come back to life or become a lump of rotting hamburger right before their eyes." She says: "It's late.  I gotta go."     I say: "I thought you wanted me to fix your Shark?"       PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT