Friday November 16, 2007
	Every year I kill my own Thanksgiving turkey.
	I say: "First I take off my shirt." The woman that has driven a good distance to see me says: "I pretend not to notice a lot of the stuff you say or do but this is bizarre, Norm." I say: "When my shirt is folded and out of the way I kick off my shoes." She says: "You're scaring the turkey." "I always leave my socks on," I say. She says: "It's two in the morning and we're inside a garage and you're taking your clothes off alongside a caged turkey." I say: "Each time I remove another piece of clothing I crank the volume up on the stereo just a smidgen." She says: "What is that?" "It's Techno, 160 beats per minute.  That particular genre of music is vital if one wants to achieve the desired results." After a minute of not saying anything she says: "What are the desired results, Norm?" I am unzipping my pants and when they hit the floor I say: "To give the turkey a heart attack." She says: "Huh?" I say: "Turn the volume up." "You're gonna give me a heart attack," she says. I say: "Now that my shoes and shirt and pants are off I face the turkey directly and then I pull off my underwear.  It's a scientific fact that when a turkey is frightened their blood pressure goes up.  A turkey that dies from a fear induced, blood pressure related heart attack equals moist tender meat." She says: "You're insane, Norm." I say: "Don't say that.  Never let a turkey know that something like this is a show.  The turkey will start to relax and his internal juices will slow down and that equals a plateful of dry turkey on Thanksgiving day." "Kill the bird when all the juices are flowing?" she says. "It's an art," I say. "Now what?" she says. I say: "When I point my finger at you I want you to turn the volume all the way up and at that moment I'll start moving my ass back and forth and the turkey is gonna see my dick moving about and he's going to get real scared 'cause of the loud Techno and the sight of a big worm moving around in front of him and then after maybe eight minutes of watching my bouncing prick the bird should drop dead." PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT