Tuesday October 30, 2007
	Destroy a Jack-O'-Lantern Today!
	"What is it we're doing, Norm?" she says. "I'm scoping out places I'll be on Halloween night and you're writing down locations," I say. "For what reason?" she says. I say: "I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna fuck up their jack-o'-lanterns real good." She says: "And why do you need me?" I'm turning my vintage Cadillac down a promising street and when I straighten out the steering wheel I say: "You're a trained reporter aren't you?  Who better to take notes than a person like you?" After a moment of neither of us talking she says: "I thought we were going for a drive together and maybe we'd stop at a few antique shops and we'd talk and laugh or perhaps get something to eat.  I thought you wanted to be with me."  "I am with you," I say. After another moment of neither of us talking she looks at me and stretches her good female lips into a kind of crooked half smile and says: "You're never really with anybody, Norman." I push down hard on the brake pedal and say: "Look at the size of that jack-o'-lantern.   370 Oak Street.  Write that down, Beth.  I'll bet the whole family worked on it." Says Beth while looking at her notepad: "370 Oak Street.  Got it." I say: "They were probably carving the pumpkin and while they were carving it the mom, dad and kids drank apple cider from paper Halloween cups and while they were drinking apple cider and carving their pumpkin I figure they were watching, It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown on their giant flat panel television." Says my trained reporter friend: "Why ruin their pumpkins, Norm?" I am turning left onto Hill Street and when I straighten out the steering wheel I say: "I don't know why.  I just know it's something I have to do.  I've done it every year since I was a kid.  I need to do it.  I dream about it and in my dreams I see my steel toed boot crashing into their jack-o'-lantern.  Unhappy kid faces.  Frustrated adult faces.  Darkness and despair for everyone.  Try to imagine what it must be like to invest time, effort and money into a pumpkin only to find that very pumpkin in pieces (on your porch or on your driveway or on your street).  A few years ago I dreamed I'd kicked-in the biggest jack-o'-lantern in the world and when I was done I ran and I ran and I ran and while I was running I laughed aloud and at a certain point I cried aloud too but through it all I just kept running." She says: "You cried in your dream?" I say: "My lips were trembling and they were pulled back as far as they could go and I was making moaning sounds." Beth says: "You cried and laughed?" "I was laughing because I got the chance to kick-in another jack-o'-lantern.  It's exciting.  A month ago I drove my Cadillac over a three wheeled bicycle owned by a fudge salesman near my home.  The Fudge on Wheels sign on his bike went into the air and the handlebars popped off and the wheels collapsed and there was big hunks of fudge lying everywhere."           She says: "But you've got invites to Halloween parties, Norm." I am turning right onto Maple Street when I say: "I don't have a choice, Beth." Norm's Tips: 1-Wear steel toed construction worker boots. 2-Pull large white sheet over your head and go out on Halloween night looking like a ghost.  Complete body coverage will allow you to kick-in pumpkins until you retire from the art or die.   3-Make sure you're the last person to get candy.  When door is closed thrust the toe of your boot into the face of their pumpkin then drop the heel of that same boot onto the top of pumpkin. Bonus Suggestions: 1-Remove the pumpkin from their porch and jam it into their mailbox. 2-Remove the pumpkin from their porch and drop it onto their driveway. 3-Remove the pumpkin from their porch and throw it into the neighbors driveway. 4-Remove the pumpkin from their porch and throw it through their big glass picture window. 5-Remove lid from pumpkin and shit into pumpkin. Replace lid. 6-Remove lid from pumpkin and piss into pumpkin.  Replace lid. 7-Remove lid from pumpkin and shit and piss into pumpkin. Wipe ass using shirt pulled from nearby kid begging for candy. Jam shirt with shit on it into pumpkin.  Replace lid. Extra Credit: For even more fun purchase a case of inexpensive dildos.  At homes of your choosing insert one dildo into the carved out nose hole or eye hole of their jack-o'-lantern.  Imagine (and marvel at) how unsettling and confusing it will be to the homeowner when they are confronted with the image of a enormous rogue dildo sticking out of their pumpkin. "What is it, daddy?" "I believe it is an imitation dick for the modern, intelligent woman, honey." "How did it get there, daddy?" "I don't know, sweetie." "What's a dick, daddy?" "Something you're gonna want real bad, sugar." "More than a pumpkin, daddy?" "Probably, honey." PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT