Monday October 23, 2006
	She can help me with my podcasts.
	"Do you like wine?" she says. She's got a bottle of Red Truck California Merlot and before she gets an answer out of me she starts to pour the wine into my glass. "That's enough," I say.  "Thank you."   "You sure?" she says. "Plenty," I say. I've drank wine before but my walk-in clinic female physician says I'm allergic to it and whenever I see her she reminds me to steer clear of it (Recently she said:  "The holidays are coming.  No wine Norm.  Even one glass could put you in a hospital.")  To the woman that just poured the wine I say: "I really shouldn't." She says: "How come?" "Doesn't agree with me," I say. "It Halloween Norm," she says.  "You helped me with all the yard decorations and now here we are together eating chicken, beans and coleslaw and I made the pumpkin pie just for you so at least you could have one drink with me." I say: "Half a glass."   She's got real red hair.  Orange really.  When my father was alive he told me to stay away from genuine red heads.  He said that the hair coming out of their head almost always thins out and eventually a good amount of it will just stop growing.  In addition to the hair thing he told me that they are also prone to excessive health problems and while she's talking I'm not hearing her voice I'm hearing my dead stepfather: "Do you wanna be with a bitch that can't go out when the sun is shinning and when she does go out she's gotta wear prescription sun glasses and a hat 'cause big patches of hair atop her head are missing?" Says the woman that made the pie just for me: "Would you like to stay the night?"  Statistics show that at least 100 million people are engaged in sexual intercourse in America at any given time but she's offered up her vagina to me as if it were a rare once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I'm smiling and when I'm done smiling I say: "Stay the night?" Privately and to myself I'm thinking: Is that all a man and woman have in common?  I've got my dick and you've got your tits and enormous snatch and I've helped you with yard decorations and you've made me a pie and fed me chicken and coleslaw and now we gotta go in your room and f-ck.  If we don't do that then what do we do?  Thanks for the pie Red, bye.  Appreciate your help Norm, bye.  If we don't go in her room (holding hands as we walk to that room) and ball one another then what?  C'mon Norm.  She thinks enough of you to wanna pork you and who knows what else and here you sit trying to understand it.  Pork her!  Pork her good and when you're done porking her you can throw the pumpkin pie at the framed photographs (her family and friends) hanging on her bedroom wall.    She's standing and pouring more wine into my glass when she says:   "By the way, I've listened to your podcasts and they're really funny Norm but they could be a little less abrasive.  You'd get a lot more listeners if you talked about other things.  I'll show you how to make them more family friendly.  Maybe even get a  sponsor or two." I've drank down the wine I've been given and I'm already feeling a little drunk and I'm feeling kinda sick too and while she's talking I hear a bell go off inside my head and I'm kinda glad she mentioned the podcasts and how she can help make them better 'cause now she's given me a good excuse for not having to stay the night. I say: "Pardon me?" She says:  "I'll help you make them better." I say: "They're fine." She says: "No they're not, honey." I'm hearing lots of bells go off (in my head) and they're getting louder and louder and when they're too loud to take I stand, inhale deeply and say: "You bald, red headed whore.  You're not now or ever going to help me." She says: "How dare you speak to me like that." She's a control freak and her 'How dare you speak to me like that' scares the shit out of me (she was so sweet and dainty and accommodating just moments earlier) and I'm thinking of how bad it would have been with her months from now had I balled her and I'm heading to the front door and while I'm walking I say: "See you later." PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT