Saturday September 23, 2006
	Her f-ckin' mattress.
	I've only known her for about two weeks and I'm working hard to impress her hoping she'll eventually allow me to pork her. "You're so sweet, Norman," she says. Yea, I'm sweet.  I've gone with her to the bed store and after a good amount of searching she's found a mattress that's acceptable to her.   "It's fifty dollars to deliver it," says the salesman. "Oh," says my chick.  "Fifty dollars?" Because I'm pretty sure I'll be sixty-nining her later this evening I stupidly say: "Can we tie it to the roof of my Cadillac?" The salesman walks to the big glass window and after some looking he says: "I've got some string but I won't be able to help you 'cause we're a union shop." "You're a union shop?" I say. "We don't lift nothin'," he says.  I say: "Uh huh." "I'll have the guys pull the mattress," he says then going through a set of swinging double doors. "You're really special, Norman," says my chick then pushing her full red lips onto my face. "Your sleep is important to me," I say. F-ck that was stupid.  Jesus that was a dumb thing to say.  Your sleep is important to me.  Your dick is in control Norman, get a grip on yourself.  In actuality, you don't care if she's fully rested or sleep deprived.  Remember that time you were in Cleveland and how you ate that chick out (behind Pam's Pretzels) in the trunk of your Cadillac (while you smoked reefer) and how she fell asleep on top of you right after you blew your load and then you fell asleep too and how in the morning you had to use a maxed out American Express charge card (as a sorta dried load scraper) to free your dick from the hairs of her pubic mound?     The double doors open and the salesman comes out and he's looking at me and while he's looking at me he says: "Let me point you to your mattress." My chick looks at me and says: "While you do that I'll pay for it." The mattress is big and it's heavy and as I'm sliding it out of the building I'm thinking how maybe this was a mistake.  Secretly and to myself I'm thinking: Drop the mattress Norman and climb inside the trunk of your car and whack off and when you climb out (of the trunk) you won't have even an iota of interest in her.  Yeah now that's smart.  Blow your load, drop the mattress and push the gas pedal of the Caddy to the floor and get the f-ck out of here while you still can.  It's gonna be hell to get it up on the roof of the car and it's gonna be even harder to secure it and then more than likely she'll make you unload it.  Of course you'll probably offer to take the old cum stained mattress away too.  Imbecile! Get in your trunk, pull down the lid, blow your load and then bug out.  As a consolation prize to yourself maybe you could run over the mattress and f-ck it up real good. Peel out on it.  She comes out into the parking lot and she's zipping up her big American designer purse when she says: "It's all mine." I say: "You can sit in the car while I load it." "You're really something," she says and before she has a chance to fully say the word something her cell phone rings. I figure it's the big dicked dude that stained the hell out of her last mattress.  Lucky for me I got my iPod.  I'm listening to the band Garbage as I slide the mattress onto the roof of my vintage Cadillac.  She rolls the window down and says: "I don't know what I'm gonna do with the old mattress, Norman." PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT