Monday May 29, 2006
	The barbecue.
	It's Memorial Day and I'm at a Memorial day party/barbecue and guests are eating ribs and hamburgers (with Leidenheimer bread) and steaks and potato salad (with Mattamuskeet Sweet Onions) and they're drinking beer and some are even drinking champagne from braided-stem flute glasses. Note: Some of the champagne glasses are engraved:  Memorial Day with The Moore's 2006! "Last year Colby and I spent Memorial day in the country," says the woman wearing the Dolce & Gabbana green bustier dress with attached see-through ruffle-hem skirt.  "We had a picnic basket and we drank wine and ate potato crisps with sour cream and caviar." Of course I'm standing there and I'm smiling and I'm looking normal and well adjusted and manly and while I'm standing there smiling, looking normal and well adjusted I'm thinking: I'd like to hit Colby (her man) right between the f-ckin' eyes with a hammer and I'd like to take his Dolce & Gabbana wearing concubine fishing and in between catches I'd like to hump her in the warm mud alongside whatever river we're fishing.     "You and Colby are so romantic," says a woman standing near.  The woman standing near is wearing a Kristin Kahle handcrafted suede belt (brown) that's three inches wide with a giant brass buckle (circular).  She and her mate are holding hands and listening while everyone tells a story involving themselves and Memorial Day. "Colby took some pictures I'm pretty sure I've got a couple of them," she says then unzipping her Tory Burch distressed metallic leather messenger bag. Says Colby: "I've got my own darkroom." Says Colby's woman: "Here's a picture of Colby pushing a potato crisp into my mouth when I wasn't expecting it and here's a close-up of my hand pushing a crisp into Colby's mouth when he wasn't expecting it." Says the woman standing near: "Look at this picture, Peyton.  They're such a cute couple." I'm thinking: Of course her boyfriends name is Peyton. Peyton is a really solid unisex name.  Perfect really for a boy or girl.  I'll bet Peyton's warped happening mother was able to outfit him in dresses 'til he was five or six with a good sexless name like Peyton.  I'd like to run Peyton over with a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.  The biggest model they make (with saddlebags).  I don't own a Harley-Davidson but if I did own one I'd run Peyton over with it and while I was mowing him down with the Harley I'd be pushing the horn button and maybe I'd have sandwiches and soda and a carton of cigarettes and the latest issue of Hustler magazine (and one of those new LED flashlights) in the leather saddlebags, too. Says the woman wearing the Dolce & Gabbana green bustier dress with attached see-through skirt: "Your name is Norm?" I say: "Uh huh." "Do you have a picture or story you'd like to share with us this holiday," she says.  Colby stretches his lips into a sorta half smile. Says the woman wearing the three inch wide Kristin Kahle handcrafted suede belt (with the stupid giant circular brass belt buckle): "Everyone's got a story." Peyton says:       "C'mon Norman." After a few moments I reach for my wallet and while I'm reaching I say: "I met this really pretty black chick at a tailgate party at the Pontiac Silverdome in Michigan and we made out in the trunk of her car in the parking lot and while she was sitting on my face she took a picture.  My skin is really pale in the photo 'cause I wasn't getting enough oxygen.  Maybe you didn't know this but vaginal lips form an airtight hermetical seal on whatever they make contact with.  Sorta like the salt monster in the Star Trek episode The Man Trap (episode #6, 1966).  Kinda scary.  I almost died.  I got the picture right here." "Let's go Colby," says Dolce & Gabbana. "Asshole," says brass belt buckle. "This is practically a holy holiday," says Peyton then wagging his index finger at me. The others have left but Colby is still standing there. "Eat me Colby," I say. I used to be way nicer in fact only a short time ago I would have showed them photographs of ex-girlfriends, my childhood dog Duke or even my mother. PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT