Tuesday April 4, 2006
	Sharon Stone Calling.
	"Is this Norm?" says the woman. "Who is this?" I say then clearing my throat.  When I push the button on my Omega LED wristwatch it says the time is 3:42 (in the morning). "Is it?  Is this Norman?" says the woman. She sounds angry and I'm not sure I want to say it is me. After a pause I say: "Would you like to talk to Norman?" That was stupid.  It's 3:42 in the morning and I answered the phone and said I wasn't Norm.  Why would some dude be answering my phone at 3:42 in the morning?  Even worse I said would you like to talk to Norman?  Shit, she's gonna think I'm in bed with a man.  That was clever Norm.  Real clever. She says: "Put the sonofabitch on the phone." I'm kinda scared now but I heard a bell go off in my head when she said put the sonofabitch on the phone so I say: "This is the sonofabitch, cow." "You're Norm?" she says. She's trying to frighten me by yelling and it's working but I don't want her to know that so I say: "Who in the f-ck are you?" She says: "This is Sharon Stone asshole." "And?" I say. "So I'm a 50 year old bag of shit, huh?" she says. I sit upright in the bed (the latest issue of Hump magazine falls to the floor) and when I do sit up I notice my sock sticking to my chest (I was out of Kleenex and am running low on toilet paper).    "Is this really Sharon?" I say. She says: "Hasn't been an egg in my snatch for a decade huh mother f-cker?" "What are you wearing?" I say.    "What are you saying to me?" says the woman calling herself Sharon Stone.     "Whatcha wearing?" I say then drinking from a Budweiser bottle opened the day before.   I can hear another person talking to her and I deduce that someone is reading my March 3rd essay aloud (to her) regarding the release of Basic Instinct 2. "Hello?" I say. There's a lot of yelling going on (on their end) and it sounds like she's striking the phone against something hard (not once but half a dozen times)  When she returns to the phone she says: "Grandma Stone, old lady Stone, dried-up pussy, rusting pussy, I'm forwarding this to my attorneys posthaste asshole." I say: "Posthaste?" "I've got a team of legal advisors," she says, "They're gonna eat yer balls." "I got my mother, pigface," I say. "You've stepped over the line," she says.  "This is slander.  You've slandered Sharon Stone mother f-cker." I say: "Will I get any press?" "Get ready mother f-cker," says the woman calling herself Sharon Stone.  "Get ready."  "I loved you in Total Recall," I say. "I've made a lot of movies since then f-cker," she says. Someone on her end of the call is reading another portion of my essay to her: He says you remind him of someone named Norma Desmond...  There's a lot of yelling and I hear what sounds like the telephone being slammed against something and then the line disconnects.  PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT