Monday January 16, 2006
	The soap shop.
	"Smell this one," she says then putting the bar of soap under my nose. "Uh huh," I say. "I'm really enjoying myself," she says.  "You're so much fun Norm." I'm so much fun. I'm walking around with a woman I've recently met and we're smelling handmade olive oil soap and while we're looking at soap I'm thinking about Dan Rather and his televised conversation with North Korean General Ri Chan Bok:  What we can say to you definitely right now is that we currently have nuclear weapons said the General to Rather.        "They think the United States is going to attack them," I say aloud and to no one in particular. "Pardon?" says my date then putting another bar of soap under my nose. "There's a hair on it," I say.  "It touched my nose." "Gross," she says then showing the bar of soap with the hair on it to the sales clerk. A hair is clinging to the handmade bar of soap and I'm thinking that an employee probably f-cked it (the bar of soap), but realistically I know that's highly unlikely.  What kind of person would hump a bar of soap?  Don't let your imagination overtake you, Norm. "The United States is going to attack who?" she says.  I say: "I was just thinking aloud." My date is standing at the checkout and they are putting soaps of all shapes and sizes into a bag and while they are doing that I'm watching and sometimes I smile making sure she sees my smile and when I've stopped smiling I'm thinking: Note to self, send North Korean General Ri Chan Bok a personal letter: Dear General: My Name is Norm Augustinus.  I am a writer and a citizen of the United States (Florida).  I went to a university in Michigan and my father was a famous salesman in Detroit.  He's dead now sir, I loved him very much.  Is your father still alive?  We had a great Christmas tree this past Christmas.  Do you use Christmas trees in North Korea?  Sir, just wanted to write you a note regarding your notion that the United States of America is planning some sort of attack against you.  With some certainty I'm happy to tell you that the American people would rather not attack you.  See sir, right now while I'm mentally composing this letter to you I'm standing inside a soap store with a lovely American woman. She's shopping for handmade soap.  I know what you're thinking:  Americans. I give you my word General Bok she's completely harmless as are most American men, women and children.  We shop and we work and we go to amusement parks and we love motion pictures and we dream about better days.  However, sir, as of late a lot of us in the States have kinda put a temporary hold on any big-ticket dreaming.  Oh sure, we're still shopping for soap but instead of dreaming about new homes and winning the lottery we're thinking more and more about you. You General (and your boss Kim). You're in our thoughts.  Americans are thinking about you.   Sir, why would you threaten every American (all 295,734,134) by saying you'd use nuclear weapons on us?  (You said this while talking to the American reporter Dan Rather). That wasn't nice.   See, the President of the United States of America really doesn't ask the American people what they'd do.  We put our heart and soul into whatever administration we put in there and we hope for the best.  Sometimes we're pleasantly surprised, more often than not, we're not. As you know General, we have firsthand experience with the use of nuclear weaponry.  100,000 people were killed when the United States dropped the Atomic bomb on Hiroshima (and let's not forget Nagasaki). Some of the bodies glowed for days afterward because of the radiation from the bomb (something about bone calcium, sir). Did you know that? I did not know that. I was surprised to hear that North Korea is only about the size of our Mississippi.  Mississippi is the 20th state of 50 states. Best, Norm Augustinus   "I'm hungry," says my date.  She holds her transparent plastic bag up so that I'll be able to see her smart soap selections. "Still with me, Norm?" she says.  "Just thinking," I say. "About me?" she says. I say: "Yep." "Yep," she says. "They sell great chocolate chip cookies about a mile from here," I say. PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT