Saturday May 22, 2004
	She lives in a small trailer with animals and an elderly parent.
	I met her on the internet and when I'm almost to her Clearwater, Florida house she phones me: "Can't wait to meet you," she says.  "Same here," I say.  "You sound real good."  "I think so," she says.  "See you soon," I say then hanging up.  I am turning into the Sunny Days trailer park just off U.S. 19 when my cell phone rings again: "Could you stop at the pet store and pick something up for me?" she says using her good southern voice. "Sure," I say.  I didn't want to say, sure.  I wanted to say: I ain't going to no pet store and be wearing only your panties and a brassiere when I get to your trailer.  "I need a bag of monkey chow," she says, "And some adult diapers 40-55 hip size."  "Monkey chow and adult diapers?" I say then heading back onto U.S. 19.  "40-55 hip size."  "You're sweet," she says then hanging up. I ain't sweet and I ain't ever bought adult diapers or monkey food and I'm wondering why things like this always come my way.  Do this and she'll do anything you want, Norm...         My bill at the pet store is $18.  The supermarket is in the same plaza and the adult diapers cost me another $22.  I haven't actually met my woman and already I've spent $40. I'm turning into Sunny Days when my phone rings, again: "How ya doing?" she says.  Behind her voice I can hear the voice of another woman and she sounds angry. "Be there in a minute," I say.       "Can't wait," she says then hanging up. When I locate her trailer she is standing in the yard while hanging onto the leash of a large shitting dog. "Gloria?" I say then getting the monkey chow and diapers from the trunk of my vintage Cadillac.     "It's so nice to finally meet you," she says then walking toward me.  The dog hasn't finished shitting but that doesn't seem to matter to Gloria and she is dragging him even though he is still in the typical dog shitting position.  "I got your stuff," I say.  "Come on in the house," she says then walking to the trailer while at the same time pulling the still shitting dog. Gloria had an old retired male circus monkey which she kept caged and in the living room of the trailer (The adult diapers and monkey chow were for him).  When I went near the cage the monkey grabbed my hair and pulled my head into the metal bars of the cage again and again.  When I finally did pull away I noticed that one of my contact lenses was missing.  Later on my upper lip swelled up, too.  Gloria lived with her elderly mother and for about an hour and a half (in a heavy West Virginia accent) the mother told me the story of how her front teeth were knocked out while fighting with her first husband. There was no romance but I got to see a shitting dog (shitting while at the same time being dragged) and I got beat up by an old gorilla (or whatever it was).  I never asked for the forty dollars I spent on the diapers and monkey chow.  Alone and at a bar near my home, I drank several Budweiser's and wrote the whole thing off. PREVIOUS   HOME   NEXT