Thursday March 25, 2004
			I found a shopping list while shopping at Wal-Mart and it was an interesting find, enough so that I wanted to write about it.
			"What did you find?" says my big breasted full lipped date.  She is carrying three 10 ounce (280 grams) boxes of jelly sticks filled with minced oranges and covered in milk chocolate.  "Looks like a shopping list," I say. "Get rid of it," says my date then swinging her big American purse at me.  "You might catch something." "Not likely," I say then sitting on a bench near the front of the store. "You are so weird," says my date then sitting alongside me. "Most people make out a shopping list on any old piece of paper they can find," I say.  "This person bought paper printed especially for shopping lists." (Exhibit A, floral print stationary) "So?" says my date.  She has pushed her long acrylic fingernail past the outer cellophane wrapping and into one of the boxes of jelly sticks. "Look here, the fourth line down," I say, pointing.  "It says condoms."  (Exhibit B) "So?" says my date.  Her good female finger is in the box and she is trying to slide out a jelly stick. "Bacon, sausages, chicken and fish.  Someone is on the Atkins diet," I say. "So?" she says.  Though I did not see her do it she has put one of the jelly sticks into her mouth. "We should have probably paid for those first," I say. "Uh hmm," say my date. "Look at this," I say, pointing.  "It says vibrator batteries and it's next to the honey.  (Exhibit C) "So?" says my date. "So something is going on in this house." "I don't see it," she says then pushing her finger into the box, again. "It says condoms and honey and vibrator batteries and you don't see it?" I say. "Not really," she says then pushing another jelly stick into her mouth. Up to this point I didn't know if the shopping list was made out by a man or a woman but exhibit D changes that. "My Lord," I say then tapping the list using my index finger.  "Crotchless panties next to the stamps." "Where?" says my date. "Does Wal-Mart sell crotchless panties?" I say. "Probably," says my big breasted, full lipped date. "Why would she put crotchless panties next to the stamps?" I say. "I don't know," she says. "Maybe she's mailing her crotchless panties to someone," I say. "C'mon Norm," says my date.  "I'm done," I say then putting the shopping list in my pants pocket. "What have you learned, Dr. Lector?" she says looking like she wished she hadn't asked me. "This shopping list was written by a young woman," I say then standing and heading to the checkout.  "At the bottom of the list she's written diapers.  That tells me she's recently given birth.  Also written on the list is decongestant, someone has got a cold.  This woman is extremely horny.  Vibrator batteries, honey, crotchless panties and condoms lead me to to that conclusion.  Of course, I'm certain she's on the Atkins diet so she or her significant other is overweight, probably her after giving birth." "So she's fat, horny, eats shit loads of meat, can afford pretty stationary and she's got a kid," says my date then handing the Wal-Mart cashier $7.85 for the three 10 ounce boxes of chocolate covered jelly sticks. "And she's got a runny nose," I say.  "Just below curry she's written Kleenex." PREVIOUS    HOME    NEXT