An open letter to the person who used the men's toilet at the Sears Store at the Countryside Mall, Clearwater Florida. 
 


Dear Sir: 

I was at the mall tonight.  I was shopping with my full lipped, good to look at date.  I particularly enjoy shopping during Christmas time as the mall is always brightly decorated and of course, Santa is there too.  

I like Santa.  

During the holidays I might say things to women I would normally avoid otherwise and when my date and I weren't shopping we were sitting and talking: 

"Would you like a holiday cookie?" said my date then removing two cookies from her big American designer purse.

"I like cookies," I said.

When we finished eating our holiday cookies she looked at me for a long time and I looked at her too and I remember thinking how right the moment was and then I said: 

"I have to go to the bathroom."

For the first time in a long while I felt like I was a part of life and not just an observer.  It was Christmas time and I was with a good to look at woman and colored holiday lights were blinking and people were smiling and Santa Claus was within walking distance from me.

Maybe I would live a long time.

Sir, I entered the restroom first going to the mirror just like I always do afterward finding a toilet to pee in as I prefer not use the wall mounted urinals.  Two of the stalls were occupied but unfortunately for me the third stall door opened.

As I am automatically a writer I couldn't help but note the following:

A) You shit on the toilet seat.
B) You shit all over the white porcelain surface just outside the toilet seat.
C) You shit on the chrome plated flush handle.
D) You shit on the roll of toilet paper.
E) You shit on the tiled floor.

Additionally, sir, could you please explain to me why you left your underwear (also covered in shit) on the floor?

Just outside the bathroom door people were laughing and eating and shopping (filled with the Christmas spirit) and there I stood staring at your alternate dimension shit extravaganza/fiasco.      

Did I mention that I like Santa and that my date had holiday cookies in her purse?

Sir, please answer the following questions to the best of your ability:

A) After your extreme shit blowout did you continue shopping acting as though nothing had happened?
B) At what point during your ordeal did you realize your underwear was a total loss?
C) Has this happened to you before?  When?  Where?
D) Are you happy knowing that I and many others may be haunted by the image of your shit for years to come?
E) Was this your idea of a gift during the season of giving?

Hoping I never ever meet you...


Sincerely,


Norm Augustinus
18 December 2003