There's a good amount of candle smoke in the room.


"There's a lot of smoke up there," I say.  

"That's just smoke from the candles," she says then putting her lips on my forehead.

"One candle would have been enough," I say.    

"Candles are romantic," she says then pushing her fingers through my hair.

"Can't-breathe," I say, pretending I can't breathe.   

"C'mon Norm," she says. 

"Must-get-air," I say then drinking from the 22 ounce (616 grams) glass bottled Budweiser.

"Have I told you that I like you, Norm," she says.  What she has said feels almost scripted and for a minute it's like we're a preview for an upcoming summer film. 

"So," I say.

"So, I like you."

"Now what?" I say.

"Now, nothing."

After a pause I say:

"You said I was bizarre."  

"I don't think that anymore."

"I'm not bizarre?"

"I like you," she says standing then drinking from the 22 ounce Budweiser.  

"Would you like me if I told you I didn't have an penis?" I say.

"No penis?" she says then drinking from the brown glass bottle. 

"Ice fishing accident, Big Rapids, Michigan 1998." 

"I'm sorry," she says. 

"I was using a power auger to drill a hole in the ice and somehow my pants got wrapped 'round the blade."

"It tore off your penis?"

"It tore off my pants and I lost my grip on the auger and it and my pants dropped in the lake."   

"With your penis?" she says looking down toward my zipper.

"I still had my penis," I say then finishing off the 22 ounce.  "But I could see the power auger (which was a rental) on the bottom of the lake so I lowered myself into the hole thinking I could hook the auger with my foot and that's when the Northern Pike nailed me."

"You lost your penis to a Northern Pike?"    

"They got teeth like razor blades," I say. 

"That's so sad," she says then pushing her lips onto my neck.  

"The sad part is that a few of my friends fished two nonstop 24 hour days hoping to find the fish that bit off my dong."

"That's touching."

"They figured the cold water would keep my penis fresh and in a state where it could be sewn back on."  

"You poor man," she says then kissing each side of my mouth with her full red lips.

"The hard part was knowing that somebody in Big Rapids probably ate the fish that bit off my dong."

"Hopefully it was a woman," she says then putting her hand onto my crotch.

"Hopefully," I say.


Later that night I wrote down more details to the fishing story that I fabricated for her thinking it might make a good HBO television show:


60 SECOND MOVIE PREVIEW
THE ACCIDENTAL DONG EATER 
by Norm Augustinus

SOUND EFFECT: WIND

FADE UP ON EXTERIOR SHOT OF FROZEN LAKE SURROUNDED BY LEAFLESS TREES.  SLOW ZOOM INTO MEDIUM TIGHT SHOT OF RUGGED LOOKING MAN PEEING ONTO THE ICE WHILE STANDING INSIDE THE OPEN DOORWAY OF AN ICE FISHING SHANTY (HE IS SMOKING)

ANNOUNCER VOICE OVER (DEEP VOICE):

He smoked hand rolled cigarettes using tobacco taken from cigarettes found in public ashtrays.  He drank homemade grain alcohol.  He humped tobacco chewing, long and short nippled women. He was a fisherman.  
He was all man and therein lie the foundation for what he was 'til the day he hooked the fish that would change the way he thought of himself, forever.

CUT TO MEDIUM SHOT OF POLICE OFFICIAL SITTING INSIDE DIMLY LIT ICE FISHING SHANTY 

POLICE OFFICIAL:   I'm sorry sir, we have reason to believe you have recently ingested a fish that bit off a man's penis. 

FISH EATER:  (Stunned, throwing water from the hole cut into the ice and onto his unshaven weathered face) That's a lie!

POLICE OFFICIAL: That particular fish had a tiny camera and satellite tracking device implanted into it by the Department of Fish and Wildlife. 

FISH EATER:  So. 

POLICE OFFICIAL:  So from our central office in Grand Rapids we watched as the fish bit off the man's penis. 

FISH EATER:  What's this got to do with me?

POLICE OFFICIAL: The tracking device, sir...Well, it's sending a signal from within you.

FISH EATER:  (After a pause of horrifying realization) I ate a man's wiener?

POLICE OFFICIAL: (Then showing the fish eater an 8 x 10 color photo of the unfortunate dickless victim) You probably swallowed it whole, sir.

FISH EATER:  (In a raised voice, holding each side of his head)  Nooooo! 

CUT TO EXTERIOR SHOT OF FISHING SHANTY.  AS MAN SCREAMS WE CUT TO A SERIES OF QUICK SHOTS STARTING WITH 1) EXTERIOR CLOSE-UP OF SHANTY, 2) EXTERIOR MEDIUM SHOT OF SHANTY, 3) LONG SHOT OF SHANTY THEN QUICK AND ABRUPT CUT TO BLACK.

SOUND EFFECT: WIND